Much of the human personality is defined by the way we relate to each other. Controlling people, in particular, express one of the most problematic facets of their behaviour through attitudes that limit the freedom of others.

In this article we will see what are the fundamental aspects that characterize the controlling persons , as well as different ways to recognize the different variants of this style of behavior.

7 typical traits of control persons

Each person is unique, and of course, to fully understand the logic behind an individual’s way of acting, it is necessary to pay attention to him or her rather than starting from prejudices and generalities. However, a good starting point is to observe if his style of behavior corresponds to certain categories described from psychology.

In the case of people with a tendency to want to control others, paying attention to these signs is especially important, since the well-being of another person can be affected by the lack of resources to protect themselves from the first person .

1. Manage mental frameworks well

When we communicate, we don’t just issue words: we also make the conversation revolve around a mental framework in which what we say and what the other person says makes sense in order to answer us. For example, if we talk about “the children of Spain” we express a mental framework by which a country is a practically human entity, with interests and a way of being defined, while if we talk about “the Spanish”, we only refer to a group of inhabitants of a region.

Controlling people know that they need to hide their true motivations when dealing in a certain way with those they want to subject, and so they use language to create a moral alibi for themselves. For example, in relationships it is very common for these people to talk about the emotional bond that unites them with their lover as if it were a relationship in which one protects the other.

2. Act as if they know the essence of the controlled person

Controlling people tend to base the justification for their behaviour on a supposed ability to “see” the essence of people and decide what is best for them. Of course, this is not expressed in a literal way, but it can be seen in what they say.

For example, they talk about the almost innate and unchanging weaknesses of the other person to try to “compensate” for those limitations by controlling that aspect of their life, while at the same time trying to make the boundaries of that supposed realm of life very diffuse.

3. They act with paternalism

Controllers who try to hide the way they exercise their power over others often resort to a paternalistic tone. They may do this by showing themselves to be conciliatory (for example, by offering to make a decision for the other) or more directly dominant (for example, they criticise the “lack of personality” or of the other’s own criteria in order to try to make the person who has been criticised submit to decisions imposed on him or her from outside).

4. Seek to socially isolate the other

The more social contacts the dominated person has, the more likely they are to get rid of that toxic relationship. That is why controlling people try to make their victim lose contacts, friendships or, in the most extreme cases, frequent encounters with the family .

This is most noticeable in relationships, where controlling individuals are likely to attempt to exercise the control they desire by taking advantage of the intimacy conferred by these types of relational ties.

5. They do not seek cooperation, they seek unconditional support

Normally, controllers prepare the ground for manipulating others not at the moment when it is most important for them to have the unconditional support of others, but much earlier, in minor situations.

Thus, for example, at the least sign of sympathy for someone with whom the controlling person is at odds even a little, he is likely to show indignation or frustration. The message is clear: it is the controlling person who defines the limits of empathy and sympathy (not to mention friendship) that the other person, the submissive one, can have.

In this way, when the support of the other is needed, it is practically guaranteed, since not providing the required help would break the history of unconditional support in minor situations, and cognitive dissonance would appear.

6. They think they have the right to interfere in everything

For controlling persons, the right to be alone can be put into question if they seek a suitable excuse to do so. It is not always because they want to be in control of the other person 24 hours a day; sometimes, it is simply because they do not take the other person’s needs into account.

7. They talk about a “common good” to make decisions for the other

It is very common for controlling people to act as if it is completely normal to anticipate the other person’s decisions and make them for the other person themselves. The excuse may be “not wasting time”, “doing the right thing for everyone”, etc.