All couples go through difficult times when it is difficult to maintain a pleasant routine . In some cases disagreements start to arise that cause discomfort and unhappiness and often these are followed by responses of abandonment or a desire to end the relationship.

Normally the relationship is definitely over when one of the members decides it is. It is important, therefore, to be aware of the first symptoms that reveal that something is not working as it should, before it is too late.

Couple’s therapy as a search for solutions

Courage becomes essential when looking for solutions to recover what was once so important and special between the couple. But on the other hand, while the saying “Two don’t fight if one doesn’t want to” is very true, this does not mean admitting and submitting to everything the other person thinks or decides.

Couple’s problems turn into jealousy, suspicion, sadness, anxiety, lack of trust, lack of communication… We feel the threat of an unwanted loneliness, the fear of abandonment of the one we love so much. Likewise, we are surprised by the impotence.

Abandoning one’s partner at the first sign of change, when conflicts arise, is almost never a good solution, except in cases of toxic relationships. When we abandon, we think that our conflicts will be solved, but frequently the abandonments do nothing more than feed back our comfort, our lack of maturity and our lack of commitment. The flight forward becomes a bad solution .

The importance of being involved in the relationship

The “pressure” is an aspect to consider in our life. We will almost always find ourselves in contexts where decision making is accompanied by “pressure” of any kind. In these cases we must be aware so that the “pressure” does not lead us to a wrong decision.

Let’s think for a moment about R. Tagore’s sentence:

  • Cultivate a thought and you will reap an action
  • Cultivate an action and you will reap a habit
  • Cultivate a habit and you will reap a character
  • Cultivate a character and you will reap a destiny.

This syllogism leads us to the conclusion that our thoughts are at the base of our destiny . Therefore, it will be convenient to change behaviors and attitudes through our change of perspective, our change of “mind”, with the objective of changing our circumstances and destiny. And likewise, to build our character.

This, contrary to what is normally thought, is not something we bring from our mother’s womb. While it is true that we have genetic predispositions of temperament, we are responsible for creating what we decide to be, since we are not impervious to the environment, culture and social environment where we are formed. How many times have we heard “that’s the way I am”… And that statement becomes the perfect excuse that justifies our comfort and passivity in our change .

Assuming that one does not have to cling to comfort

I am convinced that perseverance is the key to success. Thomas Edison, the American scientist, before designing the electric light bulb, had to try more than a thousand attempts. When we have built something worthwhile, it is unwise to give in or succumb to the instinct of comfort and easy living (I say, as long as we are not feeding toxic relationships or all those that do not help us to grow, to give and receive in a healthy way, or that directly nullify or subdue us).

Although it is true that we are immersed in the culture of immediacy, where patience is an absent good, we are responsible, protagonists, architects of our lives and relationships . The moment of difficulty is a good occasion to look at ourselves and identify which are the values that are moving us personally and in the relationship.

A good question to ask in this scenario is: do I love you because I need you, or do I need you because I love you? Same words with different meanings.

In this context, and under the will of both members, couples therapy is proposed. Effective solution to relearn how to live happily together. The therapy will become our reference point to report the experiences lived between both through the agreements made in the sessions. The five pillars to work on will be based on love, communication, illusion, trust and respect . The condition “se ne qua non” is the identification of both the problem and the desire to solve it.

Normally, when these conditions are met, success is almost assured. Although it is true, it will depend on the degree of involvement of both in the resolution of the problem.

During the treatment most couples will be aware of if their differences can be resolved or if they finally turn out to be incompatible . Restoration is POSSIBLE.