The word mourning refers not only to the pain of the death of a loved one , but also to a situation of loss such as a divorce, a dismissal or the loss of a body member after an accident. Grief is a universal experience that all human beings go through at different times and in different situations.

Mourning the death of a loved one is never easy. In the case of suicide mourning, the pain becomes even more intense because it is linked to feelings of guilt and helplessness. The intentional death of a loved one leaves family and friends very confused and with a high degree of anguish .

Suicide is marked by stigma. Many people see it as shameful or sinful, others see it as “a choice” and blame the family. Many times they do not know how to support the survivors and simply avoid the situation out of ignorance. Whatever the reason, it is important to keep in mind that suicide and the underlying pain are complex processes.

When a person commits suicide, the immediate family members who live with the person, the rest of the family, neighbors, friends, fellow students, and/or co-workers are directly affected.

Overcoming Suicide Grief: Initial Reflections

Through the testimonies of those who have attempted suicide we know that the main objective of a suicide is not to end life , but to end suffering.

People with suicidal ideation are struggling with emotional agony that makes life unacceptable. Most people who die by suicide have depression that reduces their ability to solve problems.

Why is grief harder to overcome?

The elaboration of grief implies a series of processes that, beginning with loss, end with the acceptance of reality, the reorientation of mental activity and the recomposition of the internal world.

Family members and friends of people who have died by suicide are likely to feel great distress and numbness. They often wonder, “Why did this happen? How did I not see it coming?” They feel an overwhelming sense of guilt about what they should have done more or less. They have recurring thoughts that assail them almost daily. They often feel guilty, as if they are somehow responsible.

Many also experience anger and rage towards their loved one because of abandonment or rejection, or disappointment at thinking they were not loved enough to maintain their desire to live.

These misguided assumptions can last a long time if not properly addressed. Many struggle for years trying to find answers or understand an event that is often incomprehensible.

On the other hand, society still plays a harmful role by creating a stigma around death by suicide that makes survivors feel excluded. Survivors of loved ones who have died from terminal illness, accident, old age, or other types of death are often given sympathy and compassion. A family member is never blamed for cancer or Alzheimer’s, but society continues to cast a shadow on suicide.

The role of memories

Another factor that makes grieving for suicide different is memories. When a loved one is lost through illness or accident, we keep happy memories. We can think about our loved one and share stories with nostalgia. However, this is not usually the case for the suicide survivor. He or she may think, “Maybe he or she wasn’t happy when I took this picture,” or “Why didn’t I see his or her emotional pain when we were on vacation?

Survivors of suicide loss not only experience these aspects of complicated grief, but also are likely to develop symptoms of depression and post-traumatic stress disorder . The indescribable sadness about suicide becomes an endless cycle of bewilderment, pain, flashbacks and a need to numb the anguish.

Ways to Help a Suicide Loss Survivor

If you know someone who has lost a loved one to suicide, there are many things you can do. In addition to accompanying them in their pain (grief), you can help them get rid of the stigma created by society.

1. Ask if you can help him and how

In the case that they are not willing to accept help, with this gesture you show that you are there for them . Avoid distancing yourself so that they know they can talk to you when they need to.

2. Be patient

Don’t set a time limit for the survivor’s grief. Complicated grief can take years. Encourage him to share stories and express his thoughts . Repetition can be a key factor in recovery.

3. Listen

Be a compassionate listener . The best gift you can give a loved one who has survived a loss of suicide is your time, peace of mind, and affection.

4. Acceptance

He assumes that they need to express their feelings, sometimes with silence and sometimes with sadness or anger.
Don’t be afraid to talk about suicide . You can, express your feelings of sadness and name the person you love. People who have lost someone to suicide feel great pain, and they really need your empathy, compassion and understanding

Ways to help yourself if you have suffered a loss due to suicide

It can be very painful, but you have to learn to face reality and understand that you are not responsible for the suicide of your loved one .

1. Don’t put limits on pain

The mourning period takes time. You need to go through the different phases until you accept reality.

2. Plan for the future

When you are ready, organize with the help of your family the days of family celebrations , birthdays and Christmas. Understand that these moments will be lived with sadness and look for supportive and reinforcing ties to minimize intense sadness reactions.

3. Make connections

Consider joining a support group designed specifically for survivors of suicide loss. The environment can provide an environment of healing and mutual support.

4. Seek professional help if you need it

Remember that you are going through one of life’s most difficult and painful situations and may need therapy so as not to prolong the phases of grief unnecessarily.

Bibliographic references:

  • Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1997) The Wheel of Life
  • Feigelman, W., Gorman, B.S. & Jordan, J.R. (2009). Stigmatization and suicide bereavement. Death Studies, 33(7):591-608.
  • Jordan, J. (2001). Is suicide bereavement different? A reassessment of the literature. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 31:91-102.