Compassion is the sensitivity to the suffering of oneself and others . Its objective goes beyond understanding, and therefore mobilizes the individual towards the commitment to alleviate and prevent such discomfort.

Even if it’s necessary, compassion is not socially acceptable. For many it arouses conflicting emotions and becomes an unwelcome feeling. Rejecting the possibility of feeling it in the first person and having others feel it, deprives the individual of a basic tool for emotional balance.

Developing Compassion

This week, Pilar Hurtado , Doctor collaborating with the Mensalus Institute for Psychological and Psychiatric Assistance , presents compassion as a fundamental tool for our personal relationships and encourages us to receive it from love for oneself and for others.

In reality, for many, the concept of compassion has a negative connotation (“I don’t want them to feel sorry for me”). Why is it so complicated to integrate this concept?

Yes, that’s a phrase that’s been repeated a lot. It is true that because of our Judaeo-Christian roots, compassion is not well seen, it seems to undervalue or despise those who suffer. However, compassion, from the Buddhist perspective, is the love and affection from which one listens to one’s own pain and the pain of others, it is the sensitivity to suffering, with the commitment to alleviate and prevent it. Its essence is a total departure from prejudice, contempt or invalidation, and is directly related to motivation and love.

In other words. It is a behavior aimed at producing well-being in those who suffer (we repeat, either oneself or another person). In fact, compassion is a necessary instrument to achieve personal calm. Otherwise, we would be continuously immersed in a duel of titans.

Why?

For a double war: the struggle between the different states/faces of the self (“I blame myself for”) and the struggle of the self against the world (“I blame others for”). Of course, living like this is exhausting. That is why compassion provides a state of peace and tranquility from which we obtain the basic well-being to open up to other contexts, strengthen our personal relationships and feel fulfilled.

What else does self-pity involve?

Self-pity refers to the loving treatment we give each other when things don’t go well for us and, consequently, shame and self-criticism surface. Self-pity is an act of self-pity that sets aside guilty thoughts to promote respect. It is a clear sign of self-care.

Its structure is very complete. If we break it down, we find an emotional component, a cognitive component, and a behavioral component. The balance between these three elements is what makes it an efficient tool.

Tell us more…

First of all, compassion is an emotion that arises in the face of the perception of another’s suffering and that provokes an impulse to alleviate the suffering that we perceive. On the other hand, it implies a cognitive component made up of several facets: attention to the suffering of others, evaluation/analysis of that suffering, and recognition of our capacities to intervene and alleviate it efficiently. Finally, compassion is also defined by a behavioral component that responds to the commitment and decision to carry out actions aimed at eliminating suffering.

Differences between compassion, self-esteem and empathy

Are compassion and empathy the same thing?

It’s easy to confuse compassion with empathy. Empathy is the ability to put oneself in the other’s place, the ability to understand and respect their thinking, feeling and behavior. To be empathetic means to intellectually understand the suffering of others.

Good. Compassion is something else. Compassion is different from empathy because, in addition to understanding perceived suffering, it awakens an urge to carry out an action that addresses that suffering with wisdom.

Compassionate action can go a long way to neutralizing the cause of suffering, but its main motivation is to accompany the pain with courage and strength while it is present. As we pointed out, it is a mobilizing feeling: it seeks care and attention.

And what is the difference between self-pity and self-esteem?

Self-esteem increases when we do things right. Self-pity refers to how we see and treat ourselves (the way we address ourselves) when things have not gone well for us. It cultivates a relationship of acceptance rather than judgment towards us (whether we succeed or fail).

Self-pity is one of the fundamental ingredients of positive self-concept and, with it, self-esteem. Without self-pity, will we take care of our person from love and affection?

A way of living more authentic relationships

Broadly speaking, how can we develop compassion?

On an individual level, meditation is perfect for developing this ability. Also, experiencing the compassion and impact it generates through group work is undoubtedly another excellent way.

In recent years, different programs have been created to train compassion for oneself and others (both in the general population and in the population with mental pathology). Results have shown a reduction in anxiety, anger, hostility and depression among participants, as well as an increase in Mindfulness.

Specifically, Paul Gilbert (2015) has developed Compassionate Care Therapy (CFT) from an evolutionary perspective and a model of emotional regulation for people with high levels of shame and self-criticism.

Gilbert tells us that to develop compassion it is necessary to practice attention to the suffering of others. This is one of the first points to be trained. From here it is possible to empathize with the objective of intellectually understanding their suffering. Finally, as we explained, taking a step further translates into devising and carrying out behaviors that seek to alleviate perceived suffering. These are behaviors that can be directed towards finding physical contact and/or transmitting a message of: “I care about you and I care about your pain”.

For all this, it is interesting to inquire into our personal experience and to foster confidence in our wisdom in a space of security. Group work offers this space.

What would you say to all those people who are reading this interview and are uncomfortable with compassion at first?

The practice of compassion offers an internal dialogue with a therapeutic power capable of alleviating suffering and increasing happiness regardless of external circumstances. Training compassion creates a balance that, from the outside, is difficult to understand.

For this reason, to all those readers who fear compassion, I would encourage them to make a work of introspection that brings them closer to answers, and I would invite them to give themselves the opportunity to grow this essential tool for personal relationships, far from judgment and criticism.