Something basic to facilitate coexistence is to try to maintain our behavior around parameters that we call social norms. If on some occasions we adults perceive these parameters as arbitrary and illogical, it is even more common for children to have difficulty assimilating them and acting according to them.

During the process (that of recognition and respect for rules), adults are key players, since it is largely through us that they learn what they are expected to do and what they are not expected to do. Specifically, our influence has to do with how we teach what the limits are and what happens if they are not respected.

In this article we will see some differences between limits and punishments , as well as one of the proposals of modern pedagogy to maintain a respectful educational style that at the same time transmits to the child some necessary guidelines for living together.

  • “The 6 stages of childhood (physical and psychological development)”

Authority or negotiation?

Since educational models began to be “child-centred”, children’s education has moved from a model of authority (where adults gave the orders and children simply followed them); to a model based more on negotiation, where the child’s own needs must be taken into account and not just those of the adult.

In this sense, when we use concepts such as rules, discipline, limits and authority in children’s education, we generally do not speak of an authoritarian model that suggests domination, but of a model that seeks coexistence, respect, tolerance and responsibility for one’s own actions.

However, the model based on negotiation has generated some difficulties , not only for the children but also for the caregivers and educators, since sometimes it is transformed into a totally permissive and overprotective upbringing style.

What does “setting limits” mean?

Setting limits is necessary because this way we teach children that they cannot do absolutely everything they want without considering how that affects other people.

This even helps to develop other skills, such as recognising one’s own limits and how others should approach or not ; it can also help children to recognise and set clear limits for long-term self-demand.

In practical terms, setting a limit consists of specifying to the child when, how and where a behaviour is not allowed; and when, how and where it is allowed.

For example, when young children are in the process of understanding risky behaviors, it is common for them to approach dangerous spaces and do things like stick their fingers in electrical outlets, put their hand on the stove, run to where there are cars, etc.

In addition to taking the necessary and classic measures such as covering the sockets, it is also useful to tell them in firm, short sentences and simple words that “not here”. It is also important to set clear limits as to how close they can get to others, especially so that they can distinguish their personal space from that of others.

Finally, setting limits is not the same as delimiting or even imposing rules, which do not necessarily facilitate coexistence but correspond to the values of each context. For example, getting good grades or not sleeping after 10:00 pm is a rule that varies according to the dynamics in different spaces.

Differences between limit and penalty

After setting a limit, what follows is the child’s response. Generally, children do not respect the limit at the first indication, although it may also happen that they do not respect it at the second or third indication.

Next we will know the differences between limits and penalties .

1. The limit is only the indication, the punishment is the answer

The limit is only the indication, the punishment is the response to the child’s behaviour . The limit is then the specification of what is not allowed and the punishment is the response of the adult, once the child has not respected that specification. Punishment is often loaded with emotions such as anger, so it is more of an adult response to venting, which has little or no effect on the child’s education and discipline.

2. The limit anticipates a consequence, the punishment does not

The limit anticipates the consequence, the punishment is the unanticipated consequence . Being a specification, the limit makes the child recognize certain rules, which he can respect, or not. The punishment is the response of the adult that is not anticipated (it is given arbitrarily by the adult).

3. The punishment is not consistent with the behavior or the limit

The main characteristic of the punishment is that it has no relation or logic with the behaviour of the child and neither with the limit that has been set . For example, when he is denied the time to watch television because of some inappropriate behaviour he has had at school.

How do we establish logical consequences instead of punishment?

The concept of “consequence” applied in education has many of its antecedents in the philosophy of Maria Montessori, an Italian physician and teacher who laid the foundations for the development of a whole psycho-pedagogical method that is currently very popular.

Based on her studies, Montessori realized that children are capable of disciplining and regulating themselves; but this is a process that is largely achieved through accompaniment and guidelines generated by adults.

Thus, concludes that we must transmit to children that behaviour has natural and logical consequences . For example, that if they walk without paying attention to nearby objects, they may hit themselves (natural consequence).

Or, for example, if a child hits another child, that other child will not only cry or get angry, but it is important that the child offers an apology (logical consequence). For this type of consequence, adult intervention is necessary.

So, a consequence, besides being what happens in response to any behavior, is also a pattern that allows us to recognize or anticipate what may happen when we cross or ignore a limit.

By allowing the consequence to be anticipated, we encourage the child’s self-regulation; and that the adult no longer depends on anger to facilitate it, because the child relates his or her behavior to the consequence, allowing him or her to avoid it later.

It is also important that the child learns not only how not to behave, but how to behave, that is, to give him/her an alternative tool to satisfy his/her need (for example, asking for things or expressing anger, instead of hitting).

Characteristics of a logical consequence:

The consequences and limits are not recipes that can be applied equally to all children, they vary according to the needs and characteristics of both the context and the caregivers or educators, as well as the child’s own development.

In line with the above we will list some important things about how it is a logical consequence, which may be useful as the case may be:

    1. Immediate : It occurs at the moment of the behaviour, not two weeks or months later, when the child no longer remembers what he did or has got used to the fact that this behaviour is allowed; because furthermore, if a lot of time passes, it is more difficult for him to understand what the alternative is.
    1. Safe : Doing what we anticipate (for example, not anticipating that there won’t be any playtime if we know that in the end we will give it playtime). We must be sure and confident that it is in our power to facilitate a logical consequence.
    1. Coherent : Logical consequences are related to the child’s behaviour (for example in a classroom: “if you are playing at study time, then you will have to work at the time we assign you to play”; instead of “if you are playing at work time, you leave the classroom”). As for the behaviours that occur at school, it is important that they have a consequence there; do not apply them at home if they have nothing to do with it.