What is the common denominator that makes us fall in love and choose a particular person to be our partner?

This question seems very simple, but many people claim they don’t really know why they choose one person or another. They say that perhaps they are guided at first by certain characteristics – physical or otherwise – that attract their attention or some personality trait or they are simply guided by an intuition.

Do you always choose the same kind of partner?

It is curious that many people, after breaking up with an unsatisfactory relationship, fall into a similar situation again and again over time. This situation is due to the fact that there is a common denominator in these relationships , they fall in love with a person very similar to their ex-partner and this leads to the repetition of the same pattern. Therefore, this generates very similar situations and conflicts in different relationships – but not so different from each other.

Scientific studies say that people tend to relate to their partners in a way similar to how they learned to relate to their parents during their childhood. Depending on that, a wide range of relationship possibilities can be found. If the relationships with their parents were positive, healthy and satisfactory they will tend to seek partners similar to their parents – in the way they relate and communicate with each other.

On the other hand, if the relationships with the parents were rather negative, conflictive and unhealthy, they tend to repeat those relational patterns in future couples. And why does that happen?

The insecurities we carry with us since childhood

This is due to the fact that parental relationships created some insecurities , some fears and some emotional needs that left, in some way, that emotional mark that usually accompanies them throughout their lives. They may look for people who seem to be different from these figures, but who unconsciously have something in common. That’s because they’re trying to do better what their parents did wrong – or what could be improved.

They are people who at the beginning of a new relationship relate in a positive and healthy way. But, when faced with some difficulties or problems in a couple -which always appear over time-, these insecurities and fears come to the surface. This makes them become absorbed, distrustful, distant , etc., which is what they learned from the way they related to their parents.

At this point they feel disappointed with their partner, for being completely different from what they knew about that person in the beginning of that relationship. And it’s not true that they are different people – the one at the beginning with the one at the end of the relationship – but, in the beginning, they were relating in a healthier, more positive way and that changes when in one of the two members or in both of them those fears are activated for some reason. They begin to relate from insecurity and fear, which were the patterns they learned and recorded in their childhood.

Trying not to trip over the same stone

We talk about the tendency to follow the patterns that were learned in childhood, but no one says that those patterns cannot be modified. If one realizes that these patterns are leading one to be unhappy with the choice of one’s travel companions in life, one must do something to get out of that situation. With greater or lesser difficulty you can modify some things so that this recidivism in the search for wrong partner patterns varies, is modified and even disappears.

How could we change these recidivist and problematic patterns? To get out of this recidivism in the search for complicated relationship patterns we have to fulfill the following points:

1. Identify our fears

Think about what makes us most afraid when we are in a relationship and think about why we might feel that way (childhood parental relationships, some unresolved love breakup, etc.).

2. Similarities between the relationships you have had and the problems you tend to have with your partners

This way you will identify which things you have to work on individually.

3. Overcoming Fears

Not being afraid of things happening before they happen. But don’t let those fears lead you to situations that make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy.

4. To have confidence in yourself and to value yourself (know yourself)

We have to keep in mind that every person has a number of virtues and defects (to a greater or lesser extent). Being aware of them can make you value your attitudes and behaviors. These behaviours can be worked on and promoted. You should not think that your happiness depends on the person you have at your side (who helps or empowers) but you should feel good and happy for yourself.

5. Broadening horizons

Discovering that there are interesting people who come out of “the patterns you usually notice” and who can bring you many things. Expand the type of person you are used to looking at, both physically and personally.