Domestic violence is a serious problem that occurs in all social groups, professions, cultures and religions. Even popularly, the male gender is conceived as being the constituent of the only aggressors, but the reality is that in many cases women become the aggressors, so it turns out that it also occurs in both genders.

It is a public health problem that, unfortunately, is on the rise. In Mexico alone, there was a 9.2% increase in investigation files for this crime last year, according to figures from the Executive Secretariat of the National Public Security System (SESNSP).

In addition, according to the results of the latest National Survey on the Dynamics of Household Relationships (ENDIREH), conducted by the National Institute of Statistics and Geography (INEGI), 10.8 million men who are married to or have a relationship with women aged 15 or over have used some form of violence against their partners throughout their relationship, specifically 40% in an emotional way, 25.3% in an economic sense, 11.6% in a physical sense and 5.3% in a sexual sense.

Types of violence

The above figures illustrate the different categories in which a person can be harmed, depending on the content of the assault. More information is provided below.

Physical violence

This category involves blows, scratches, pulling and pushing; it is easier to identify because often leaves marks on the body such as bruises or visible wounds , often culminating in the death of the victim.

Psychological or emotional violence

The person attacks by means of hurtful words such as insults or nicknames, with the intention of denigrating the partner . This type of action produces in the victim feelings of anxiety, desperation, guilt, fear, shame, sadness, as well as low self-esteem.

Sexual violence

Behaviors with a sexual connotation are carried out in a forced manner , without the consent of the victim, just for the simple fact of being her partner. This may include physical and psychological violence.

Economic violence

It involves stealing the couple’s money, misusing their bank account; and even when only the abuser is working, he threatens to deny his spouse the money.

The Keys to Domestic Violence

Men who are aggressors generally in their childhood witnessed domestic violence against their mothers, so they grew up in a violent environment where there were established roles for each gender and where the woman was denigrated; therefore there is a learned behavior towards the partner. This means that in their future relationships, the person ends up repeating what they witnessed in their childhood, because they unconsciously choose as a couple someone with a submissive profile, thus playing a dominant role.

In addition to low self-esteem, the abuser has a low tolerance for frustration . That is, he gets frustrated easily, and it is in those cases when he has outbursts of aggression and blames the victim for having provoked it, so that what he wants most is to have control, both of the relationship and of his spouse.

If we look closely at the types of violence mentioned above, we can identify that the common denominator is the desire for power on the part of the abuser towards the victim; that is why he denigrates her physically, psychologically and sexually. In the case of the economy, this is another kind of power, since money is a very important resource; if the victim is economically independent, she has a certain degree of power, so in economic violence, the perpetrator also seeks to take that away from her. That’s why behind male domestic violence we find macho ideas.

On the other hand, women who are victims of domestic violence often experienced something similar in their childhood; they grew up in an environment where violence was accepted and experienced being the subordinates of the men in the household. Similarly, submission is also a position that is learned, probably from the belief that this role in the relationship is something normal.

Apart from low self-esteem, the victim may be depressed and emotionally dependent on his partner , which makes him unwilling to part with him and show his love for him. So when the aggressor blames her for provoking the outbursts of violence, the victim accepts responsibility. Even in the submission, in the same way in the mind of the victim there are macho ideas.

And when there are children…

When there are children involved in the relationship, they may suffer various behavioural and emotional problems, which will soon manifest themselves in low academic performance, being participants in or victims of bullying, isolation, being prone to drug use, falling into depression , resentment, low self-esteem or post-traumatic stress, among others.

Growing up and developing in an environment where violence is accepted, they have a high likelihood of repeating patterns, either as perpetrators or victims in their relationships, just as they did with their parents. It is worth mentioning that it is within the family that children learn to define themselves, to understand the world and how to relate to it through what they observe and learn.

Cycle of Violence

The interaction between aggressor and victim is often a vicious circle that constantly feeds back. I present below the three phases in which it is composed.

Voltage build-up phase

In this first phase there are insults, reproaches, mocking, scenes of jealousy and attempts to control the actions of the victim, as well as constant discomfort that is increasing. For example: criticizing the way she dresses, forbidding her to go out or certain activities.

Explosion phase

This part represents a higher level than the previous phase. At this point is when the person has a violent outburst in which there are blows, breaking of objects and threats .

Repentance or honeymoon phase

In this last level, the person says he is sorry and asks for forgiveness (not without first holding the victim responsible for the violence), but promises to change. Suddenly the romanticism returns to the relationship and the aggressor becomes a detail-oriented being for a while, until something that he doesn’t like comes up again to make him start the first phase again and so on.

When the victim is male

There are also situations where the woman is the aggressor and the man is the victim. Like the man in his role as aggressor, the woman seeks to have power and control over her partner.

In these cases, the woman begins with psychological violence until it eventually becomes physical : she hits, slaps or pulls her husband.

Although he is stronger than she is, the husband does not use violence because he considers it cowardly to use force on a woman, so he prefers to isolate himself by feeling deep shame and keeping silent so that no one finds out about his humiliating situation; probably if he decides to tell someone he would simply not believe him or would make fun of him, including the authorities if he complains. In this way, the man suffers psychologically trying to preserve appearances .

What to do about domestic violence

Below I offer a series of steps to follow to prevent and act on domestic violence. Aimed at both men and women Identify the signs:

  • He uses hurtful and accusing words against you.
  • He ridicules you in the presence of other people.
  • She insults you when she gets angry and blames you for doing it or making her angry.
  • It controls everything you do, where you go, who you’re with. Check your cell phone. Forbid you to go out with your friends and/or family, or forbid you to talk to such a person.
  • He says he is jealous because he loves you .
  • It pulls at you from a body part or a piece of clothing, or simply pushes you.
  • He grabs you hard and yells at you.
  • He pressures you or forces you to have sex.
  • Threatens to hit you or your children .

If your partner does more than one of the actions listed above, you are already a victim of some kind of violence and your partner may soon be hitting you.
Talk to someone you trust about this and make an emergency plan to protect you and your children if necessary. Try to have a place of refuge, such as the home of someone you trust.

In case you are already immersed in the abuse, carry out the emergency plan to protect yourself, leave your house and go to that place of refuge . Get advice from a lawyer about your situation, as it is necessary to take legal action against the abuser, who will be arrested and brought to justice.

If you do not have a shelter, there are shelters sponsored by city halls, non-governmental organizations or religious institutions that help the victim and her children to be protected by meeting their physical and emotional needs. Some of these places even offer legal advice and psychological support to provide the necessary help.

What to do if you are a close friend or relative of the victim

Don’t judge or criticize his attitude or inability to deal with the problem. On the contrary, take time to listen, to understand, and to let off steam . Let him know that he is not guilty of anything. Also offer your support in whatever you can do to help, for example in looking after his children, offering shelter, or in finding a lawyer.

Consider the safety of the person and their children . Even in situations where the person being assaulted does not perceive reality as it is and is not aware of being a victim of violence, you can be the one to ask for support and make the report to the authorities. Your cooperation can make a difference and avoid serious consequences.

What to do if you are the aggressor

Finally, in case you are the one exercising violence, reflect on the consequences that your behavior can cause. Take the first step, accept that you have a problem and seek professional help .

Conclusion

The courtship is the prelude to marriage. If at this stage you already have a toxic relationship in which one of the partners tries to control and have power over the other by manifesting one of the types of violence mentioned above, there is a high probability that in the future there will be cases of domestic violence.

It is during courtship that risk attitudes should be identified . Everyone should pay attention to the way their partner treats them; find out what their values are; as well as be attentive to the way they treat their parents and other people, particularly those who serve them in public places. Because the way you treat them is the way you will treat your spouse.

Bibliographic references:

  • Acosta, F. (April 19, 2018). Attends UVI 100 cases of domestic violence per day. La Crónica.
  • Alcocer, J. (August 14, 2018). Domestic violence shoots up to 75% during 2018. Publimetro.
  • Melgosa, J. (2008). How to have a healthy mind. Madrid: Safeliz.
  • Ponce, K. (May 12, 2017). Los datos duros de la violencia intrafamiliar en México. Excelsior.
  • Health, O. M. (November 29, 2017). World Health Organization. Retrieved December 14, 2018, from World Health Organization: https://www.who.int/es/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/violence-against-women.