Throughout these years of clinical practice I have seen how many of the people who came to therapy felt bad but did not know how to identify the cause. There are those who do not identify or do not want to see the consequences on the emotional state that their relationship with their partner may be generating . In the name of “love” these people justified to themselves (constantly) the harmful behaviours of their partner. But the reality is different: it is not negotiable, if it hurts it is not love.

In this article we will review the typical warning signs of dysfunctional relationships .

Characteristics of Dysfunctional Relationships

The purpose of maintaining a couple’s relationship is growth, both personal and joint. A relationship has to add, never subtract. Both of you have to feel that you are growing together as a couple and that you are empowering yourselves on an individual level by getting the best possible version of each other .

If you feel that your self-esteem is damaged and your dignity is diminishing every day because of the dynamics you have in your relationship, you may be falling into a dysfunctional relationship. You will slowly burn out until the day comes when you may look in the mirror and not recognize yourself.

The first step in getting out of a dysfunctional relationship is to identify it . Keep reading the 10 key signs that you are in a harmful relationship.

1. Power struggle

It is very common in dysfunctional relationships for power struggles to occur on an ongoing basis. When a person has feelings of inferiority towards his partner, every conflict will fight him as if it were the last battle wanting to win “the war”. In the short term it will be an unconscious way of compensating for his lack of self-esteem but in the long term his self-esteem will continue to be weakened and the relationship will suffer.

If you have a partner, you need to think about this point. You have to see the affective bonds in an adult and mature way, creating a space in which the opinions of the other are respected.

One day working this out with a couple in therapy, I told them, “You know you can disagree, it’s okay, but it doesn’t mean you love each other less or that you don’t respect yourself, you just think differently. There was silence and they looked at me with a surprised face. At that moment the myth of “really loving each other means that we have to think alike” was shattered. Indeed, in a relationship you may disagree. It’s okay to think differently, so it’s better to call it a draw.

Wanting to always be right, never admitting your mistakes , being unable to ask for forgiveness when you fail, not listening to your partner, not letting him express his opinion freely or imposing yours, are symptoms of power struggle.

2. Disrespect

One of the basic ingredients in a relationship is respect. It is the foundation on which the other pillars will be laid. Therefore, without respect there is nothing!

If within your relationship there are any of the following points, you have crossed the red line of respect:

  • Hostile humor and mockery.
  • Scorn and shout .
  • Defensive and aggressive attitude.
  • Hurting the other one deliberately.
  • Hurt fights and violent arguments.
  • Recurring lies .
  • Infidelities.

If you feel that no matter how hard you try you always end up arguing in a hostile way , communication is non-existent and it is impossible for you to agree, you are in a complicated situation. This can lead to anger, sadness and/or resentment that can undermine your relationship.

Respect and healthy communication must always be present within a couple’s relationship. Respecting each other is the first step in improving the quality of that love bond.

3. You do not recognize yourself

As a consequence of the dynamics you have as a couple, it may be that the context transforms you for the worse . If you identify with one or more of the symptoms you may be living in a toxic relationship:

  • If every day that passes you feel worse about yourself.
  • If you have stopped being yourself for fear of your partner’s reaction .
  • If you think that being you, your partner might reject you.
  • If you believe that your partner could never fall in love with someone like you and therefore you have changed by adopting a submissive role .
  • If you’ve overridden your needs by prioritizing only your partner’s.
  • If your mood is getting lower .
  • If before you met your partner you were a happy person and now you are depressed
  • Little by little you’ve let your personality fade away.
  • You look in the mirror and don’t recognize yourself.
  • You often think, “Who am I?” and you don’t know the answer.

It is important to have a clear picture of the couple’s frame in which you move . You have to feel free, be able to express yourself as you are and feel yourself, without coercion, while you have to have the same attitude of acceptance towards your partner.

4. Obsession to change your partner

There are people who mistakenly start a relationship because they are attracted to someone, but do not accept fundamental aspects of the other. These people negotiate with themselves that with patience and effort they will be able to change those parts they don’t like about the other . This is a myth; nobody is going to change just because someone else tries to do so.

You can suggest a request for a change of behaviour to your partner, but it will have to be that person (if they want to do it) who freely decides to change, not by manipulation or insistence. I have seen how people have dedicated much of their life and energy to trying to change their partner without getting results.

5. Control and jealousy

Many toxic relationships begin by subduing the partner with control behaviours . There are many ways (subtle or explicit) to do this. Some examples would be:

  • If your partner decides on what clothes to wear.
  • If your partner also decides on which friends you have to frequent (usually his because he doesn’t like yours).
  • Check your social networks.
  • He asks you to send him locations (for Whatsapp) or pictures of who you are with.
  • Because of his jealousy, he watches your cell phone or reads your Whatsapp without your knowledge.

If you allow your partner to violate your right to privacy, you are in a dysfunctional relationship (at the very least). No one should be allowed to decide about your own life.

6. Blackmail and comparisons

If you feel that your partner is comparing you to his ex or to people from his past, he makes comments about other couples having things that worked but not with you… This is a way to generate feelings of guilt and lower your self-esteem. Be careful with comparisons or blackmail.

Each person is different, unique by definition. In healthy relationships there is no blackmail for personal gain.

7. Constant emotional instability

If every time you have a strong argument or a problem your partner threatens to leave the relationship and even goes so far as to leave it, it can create feelings of insecurity about that bond and lead you to feel that you are on an ongoing roller coaster of feelings.

Threatening to leave the relationship or doing so is a symptom of a dysfunctional relationship. Problems should be learned to handle differently. It is fundamental for the development of a stable relationship that members feel secure about the commitment that exists within the relationship.

8. Open and permanent conflicts

There is nothing more unpleasant than living in a continuous open fight or war without truce. It drains people and steals their energy for their projects and plans.

Poor partner communication can cause you to continually have conflicts generating a feeling of discomfort, frustration and uncertainty in both of you. For psychological health you should reach agreements and learn to manage communication effectively.

9. You have to justify your attitude with excuses (to yourself and to your environment)

If in order to continue in the relationship you have to constantly justify your behavior to yourself and deep down you know that what is happening is harmful to you , you are in a harmful relationship.

If your environment tells you the toxic (obvious) things about your relationship or tells you to leave the relationship, that you can’t go on and you have to justify all that, you’re probably in a dysfunctional relationship.

At all the points mentioned the way is also the other way around, don’t do what you don’t want to be done.

10. You are unable to get out of the toxic relationship

If you feel identified with any of the previous points and you are not able to get out of a dysfunctional couple’s relationship, you have tried but you are not able to or you would like to solve the problems of your couple’s relationship, you can ask for professional help at El Prado Psicólogos; we know how to help you.

Lara García Ferreiro – Expert couple psychologist from El Prado Psicólogos