We all want to be accepted and loved, whether by our family, partner or group of friends, since social relationships are something that is within human nature and we always want them to be as healthy as possible.

However, sometimes we feel that a loved one is not paying enough attention to us or is distant and cold, without knowing exactly what it is.

Emotional abandonment is something that can be experienced with deep suffering and not everyone has to show the same consequences . In this article we will deal with this feeling, besides relating it to some disorders in which it plays an important role.

What is meant by emotional abandonment?

The term ’emotional abandonment’ is somewhat difficult to define, since it depends on how one lives it and the meaning one gives to it. Trying to define it as objectively as possible, emotional abandonment is a subjective state in which a person feels unwanted, left out or that a source of emotional sustenance has been lost, either suddenly or gradually.

As it is a situation of abandonment, the break of the emotional bond occurs unilaterally , that is, one of the two persons involved in the relationship, whether it is a family, a friendship or an intimate one, stops being part of it without previous notice or in a very abrupt way. When this happens, the other person, who feels attached to the one who has abandoned him or her, suffers the emotional consequences as a result of having been rejected.

Signs

Whether in a couple, among friends or in a family, there are several signs that indicate that an emotional abandonment situation is taking place .

However, these can be so subtle that they are not perceived and an alarm situation does not arise. Although they may be very simple behaviors that are apparently not meant to be, in the long run they become very harmful. Some of the most common signs are:

1. Talk about routine topics in a superficial way

When two people who love each other spend only a few minutes a day talking about unimportant topics such as time it can degenerate into a situation where one of them does not feel sufficiently loved by the other .

Also, at the level of friends or family, this can cause the relationship to grow cold in the long run, making people with whom you share a lot, like blood, seem like complete strangers.

2. When there are other people, each one talks only to his own

Sometimes it happens that when you go out with your partner, one of the lovers has more relationship with the group of friends than the other, or they don’t share the same friendships .

Although it doesn’t have to be a sign that something serious is going on, the fact that each of you is talking to your friends and leaving the other one out may indicate that there is a certain intention to ‘rest’ from the couple.

If this situation is repeated on several occasions it may indicate that both have an interest in ignoring each other when there are other people, taking advantage of this social situation.

3. Mistrust

When two people, whether they are siblings, parents, friends or boyfriends, feel that they cannot count on each other for important matters, it is a clear indicator that there is a lack of trust.

At the same time, the lack of trust contributes to a situation of emotional abandonment , because the victim feels that she is not taken seriously enough nor valued, a very painful situation.

4. Disinterest in the affection of others

Human beings, as the social animals that we are, need affection . Caresses, hugs, kisses and words of praise are aspects that, although they may seem small, are not.

When a loved one does not respond correctly to these acts, or gives them too little importance, it can generate a feeling of rejection.

A good relationship is one in which both feel equally loved, and correspond to each other when affectionate acts are shown.

Consequences and associated disorders

People who have been emotionally abandoned may manifest a wide range of associated problems , which may vary in terms of their severity and impact on daily life. The most common types of symptoms are usually of a depressive nature, such as sadness, loss of interest in activities that were previously pleasant, as well as avoiding interacting with other people, either because of fear of being hurt again or because of lack of desire.

It should be said that this type of situation is part of everyone’s life, and that is why one should not fall into the error that suffering emotional abandonment will necessarily imply the development of a psychological disorder, however it can be a risk factor. A person who is going through a process of this type can manage to be totally adapted in his day to day, only that he will do it going through a bad period.

1. Separation Anxiety

This type of anxiety is seen by many as a major source of distress and dysfunction in the individual .

The separation from the caregiver creates a situation that is a breeding ground for the perception of emotional abandonment.

Losing a relationship creates uncertainty in the individual. Not knowing whether or not the loved one, whether a parent or partner, will return, along with the fear of not knowing if this adversity can be overcome, creates emotional tension.

Separation anxiety can make the person who suffers it wonder such things as whether he or she is worthy of love, whether he or she is responsible for the partner, friend or relative leaving him or her behind, whether he or she will be able to find someone else…

This, combined with the discomfort already caused by the feeling of abandonment, makes the person constantly self-evaluate, looking for defects and weaknesses.

2. Psychological trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Although this may be due to an extreme case, the truth is that there are people who show symptoms of PTSD when the relationship with a loved one breaks down.

Constantly experiencing emotional suffering can generate a traumatic situation , which although it does not have to become pathological, will produce important consequences in the way the person behaves.

If the breakup of the relationship was abrupt, the person may fear that, in future relationships, this will happen again, living in a situation of constant fear that the past will repeat itself.

3. Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

Among the most characteristic symptoms of BPD are fear of criticism and social rejection, as well as a great fear of being abandoned.

People with this disorder are very sensitive in their relationships with other people, and have difficulty controlling their emotions and impulsivity.

It can also be accompanied by insecurity about one’s identity and paranoid thoughts.

4. Other problems

As already mentioned, emotional abandonment, although it is an unpleasant situation, does not necessarily imply pathology .

In the face of one of these situations, the person may go through many different feelings, depending on what he or she has experienced and his or her personality.

Some people hate themselves because they see signs that what has happened is due to their fault and therefore believe that they could have behaved differently to avoid it.

Others develop very low self-esteem, thinking that being abandoned, especially in parent-child relationships, is because they are not worth it, that they are not like the other person would like them to be.

But the most unpredictable is the feeling of helplessness, especially when what has been experienced has happened suddenly. The person tries to find explanations for something that doesn’t necessarily have to have them, leading to a loop in which it will be very difficult to get out and, in response, he or she will be afraid to go back into a relationship.

Is it possible to overcome emotional abandonment?

Although, as we have already mentioned, emotional abandonment is not a characteristic symptom of a specific disorder, nor by itself does it allow anyone to be diagnosed, the truth is that there are ways to treat this problem.

Even if the person who expresses it is socially adapted, emotional abandonment is always something that generates discomfort, even if it is normal. If it is necessary to apply a treatment to be able to confer to the person who demands professional help of those tools that allow him/her to overcome this state, it should be like that.

There are several treatments, either focused on people without psychopathology or those who do manifest it , that allow to effectively treat this problem.

The popular Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been shown to be effective in treating the symptoms associated with depression, anxiety disorders and PTSD. There is also emotion-focused therapy or emotional regulation therapy, useful in depression.

Dialectical therapy is helpful in addressing the negative and impulsive feelings present in BPD, along with acceptance and commitment therapy, which focuses on preventing the patient from remembering painful memories.

While all of these treatments are helpful, it should be noted that if a person is feeling that a loved one is leaving them emotionally, the first step in seeing how true this is should be to talk to their loved one. Whenever possible, you should address the issue, talk about the feelings you are experiencing and whether it is due to something the person who is suffering from it did. Sometimes, a deep and honest conversation can be the best remedy for the relationship.

Bibliographic references:

  • Eisenberger, Naomi I.; and Lieberman, Matthew D. (2004-7). Why rejection hurts: a common neural alarm system for physical and social pain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences 8 (7): 294-300.
  • Rosenthal, M.Z., Gratz, K.L., Kosson, D.S., Cheavens, J.S., Lejuez, C.W., and Lynch, T.R. (2008). Borderline personality disorder and emotional responding: A review of the research literature. Clinical Psychology Review, 28(1), 75-91. doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2007.04.001.
  • Coe, C. L.; Wiener, S. G.; Rosenberg, L. T. and Levine, S. (1985). The Psychobiology of Attachment and Separation. Elsevier. pp. 163-199.
  • Goleman, Daniel (1996). Emotional intelligence: A new vision for educators. PsycEXTRA Dataset.