Not all feelings correspond to the reality of the facts; some people present feelings that respond only to their own perception of things. Despite having no real motives, there are sensations and emotions that take hold of us as if they came from a parallel reality.

In this article we will examine the feeling of abandonment , we will see exactly what this irrational perception of loneliness is about and how it usually manifests itself in people’s lives, bringing with it intense and persistent discomfort.

What is this psychological state?

The feeling of abandonment consists of a state of mind in which the person demonstrates states of anguish, which are expressed through the feeling that no one cares for us or that we will be abandoned.

When constant feelings of abandonment are experienced, a catastrophic thinking style is adopted . That is to say, from any situation, however minimal it may be, the subject thinks that something bad is coming, even if there are no objective reasons to submerge that belief.

Intrusive thoughts take hold of people’s minds, and make them have recurring ideas of abandonment; for example, “nobody wants to be with me,” “I am indifferent to others,” “I have nothing to offer anyone,” etc.

Self-fulfilling prophecy

Although these thoughts do not really correspond to the facts, something paradoxical happens. When we are in a relationship and we have the fixed idea that the other person is going to leave us at any moment, this ends up happening.

This is not a coincidence, far from it, because people with feelings of abandonment have the tendency to self-sabotage their relationships . They even walk away from people with the idea of ending the relationship before they do, often unconsciously.

The ways in which an insecure subject sabotages his relationships are usually two-fold. The first consists in demonstrating a feeling of attachment that is too intense and that ends up pushing the other person away , in view of the fact that he begins to have too much possessive behaviour.

Another form of sabotage caused by the feeling of abandonment is based on an exaggerated idea of prevention, where the person who is afraid of being left alone takes the initiative and decides to abandon the other person to avoid going through the frustration of being abandoned , without realising that he is being the architect of his own fear.

How does the feeling of abandonment manifest itself?

In the next few lines we will review how this feeling of abandonment is usually expressed.

1. Avoidance behaviour

People who fear being abandoned often show evasive behaviour in the face of social contact , sometimes even with the people closest to them.

2. Emotional flattening

In spite of being only in appearance, when the subject has the constant idea that the people around him do not attribute any value to him, he begins a pattern of behavior based on emotional flattening and low mood .

3. Almost delirious ideas

These kinds of ideas have their origin in the irrational thoughts that the person is in charge of feeding. For example, if I think that eventually my partner is going to end the relationship with me, I begin to shape this scenario as well, and I imagine how it will happen, in detail.

4. Exaggerated thinking

Another of the most frequent ways of showing the fear of being abandoned is to take beliefs to extremes, in an exaggerated way. The subject who experiences a feeling of abandonment thinks that when the other person does not constantly show him/her that he/she feels affection towards him/her it is because he/she does not love him/her at all.

5. Repeat patterns of behavior

The feeling of abandonment is something that often comes from childhood, motivated by the fact of not having received an affective upbringing during the early stages of child development .

This pattern is usually repeated across generations. That is, parents with feelings of abandonment raise their children in the same way, without showing them much affection, either because of the feeling that they will also abandon them, or as a way of making them “stronger” in the face of a hostile world .

6. Submission

The fear of abandonment can trigger attitudes of submission in the person , especially when it is accompanied by intense emotional attachment to the other person. In this case the subject is capable of displacing his own needs with the intention of maintaining the company desired by him.

Submissive people may even go through a process of degradation and anxiety as they want to retain the company of others and set aside their own opinions and principles to please the other.

7. Obsessive behavior

This pattern of obsessive behavior often occurs in many ways, such as through harassment of others.

An example of these situations is the so-called “stalkeo” which consists of carefully reviewing the social networks of the person who is the object of desire and collecting information regarding his or her personal life. Other forms of harassment can also occur.

On the other hand, some people, in desperation, look for quick, magical solutions to their anguish and resort to places where they are promised things like “eternal love” through mystical rituals that end up being a scam.

Bibliographic references:

  • Damasio, A. (2014). In search of Spinoza: neurobiology of emotion and feelings. Barcelona: Booket.
  • Harris, M. (2018). Solitude. Towards a meaningful life in a frenetic world. Barcelona: Paidós.