There are many ways of understanding couples therapy: as a place to establish honest dialogue, as a context in which to encourage behaviour in the relationship with the other, a space in which to leave behind the struggle of egos? Depending on our way of defining it, the objective of the psychologist’s intervention will be different, even if only a little.

Here we will get to know the way of working of Genoveva Navarro , a psychoanalytically oriented psychologist who regularly helps people with problems in their love relationships.

Genoveva Navarro: Couples therapy as a way to take responsibility

Genoveva Navarro Jiménez is a psychologist and psychoanalyst who attends to patients of virtually all ages at her practice in Málaga: TuDivan Psicoanálisis. With her more than 15 years of experience offering professional support to people with emotional and behavioural problems of all kinds, on this occasion she talks to us about couples therapy as seen through the prism of psychoanalysis.

What are the first two or three couples therapy sessions like?

By couple’s therapy we mean that the person you are consulting suffers from some aspect of your relationship, your life as a couple makes you suffer. In other words, in couples’ therapy, relationship problems are addressed, but not necessarily as a couple.

The first sessions are oriented to see what the problem is about, because conflict is not always where you think it is. It can be anything from a communication problem to something of your own character that is preventing you from enjoying your relationship. That is why in these first sessions you will see in what way it is advisable to work.

You should also look at these first interviews to see what the person you are consulting expects and what you expect us to do to help them. Because many people are looking for a battery of tools to change their partners, or someone to act as a judge and say who is doing well and who is doing badly.

Couples therapy is not focused on changing the other person, it is focused on enjoying love, improving the relationship with oneself and the bond with others. And in that process one also learns to think critically, resolve conflicts, and take care of what one wants.

What measures are important to take in these sessions to prevent patients from constantly arguing with each other?

It must be made very clear that therapy is not about looking for blame, nor is the therapist a judge. It is very frequent that in the sessions the interested parties discuss why it is a repetition of the symptoms.

The best measure is usually that affective problems are treated individually, precisely so that the session is not a space for discussion. The problems that a person usually has, have to do with the lack of tolerance towards diversity, for having many expectations, for functioning under ideals, for aspects that are overdetermining that person and go unnoticed. This is individual work, in which the couple does not have to be a witness.

Some people may use couples’ therapy as a moral alibi before deciding to break up for good. In these early stages of psychological intervention, are both partners often committed to couples’ therapy, or do you have to try to “convince” one or both of them?

Yes, there are couples who arrive in-extremis, when the relationship is already broken. And more than trying to get the relationship back, it’s about being able to work out that breakup. People want miracles and they want it to be quick, easy and not require any thinking, so much the better.

When someone comes to therapy and it’s not by choice, but because they’ve had to be convinced, it’s usually very short. Going to therapy is not a procedure. It is an experience that is undoubtedly very enriching and requires a great deal of commitment. More than being committed to therapy, it’s about being committed to life. To life in the sense of vitality.

What do psychologists do to encourage patients to engage in therapy?

The first attempt to apply for help is not always effective. Because it is not that person’s time, or because there is no good feeling with the therapist, or because he or she does not like that way of working.

In any case, the therapist, in this case the psychoanalyst psychologist, is in the best position to receive the patient’s words in a unique way, and this usually has an immediate effect, which does not leave the patient indifferent.

What are the problems that are hardest to recognize in couples therapy?

Undoubtedly our own, we already know: you see the straw in someone else’s eye rather than the beam in your own.

Patients can spend sessions and sessions talking about what their partner does and says. For example, a lady complains that all men are the same and none of them wants commitment and she doesn’t wonder what will happen to her who always looks at the same kind of men. Or, for example, a man who constantly changes partners because no woman can satisfy him, and he does not ask himself what will happen to him in reference to satisfaction.

In general, everyone finds it hard to tolerate differences. And if you rush me, it’s even hard to be different from yourself.

But psychoanalytic therapy is precisely focused on why and for what one does things. That’s why approaching couple’s problems from a psychoanalytic approach is not for everyone. It’s for those who want to take responsibility.

And what are the problems that you go to couples therapy for most in general?

In order to change the couple, the constant discussions and the atmosphere of constant frizziness, jealousy, boredom, due to problems with sexual relations (frequency, premature ejaculation, impotence), emotional dependence, due to the rareness of the couple after the birth of a child, communication problems, due to distance, differences with the families of origin, due to how to manage the household tasks, etc.

And from your point of view as a professional, do you think that couples therapy is more satisfactory than single-patient sessions?

For couples who want to go to couples therapy, what I usually recommend, if despite the difficulties they still want to be together, is that instead of having the therapy space as a common activity, they should reserve that time to have a date, have fun, enjoy, talk. And that is living life from the side of love.

And better to do a good personal job, and accept that no matter how good the communication is, men and women will always be different. And that they will never fully understand each other. But this, far from being a problem, is a reality, and can also be enriching.