Let’s put it this way: you’ve been dating someone for a few months. The interaction is good and fluid, talking every day through WhatsApp and meeting up from time to time. But one day, you send a message and it doesn’t get answered. Days go by and it keeps going. You send another one, and another one, but even though you know the other person has seen them, they don’t answer. What’s more, two days later you realize that he has blocked you, and you never hear from him again.

What happened? Basically the person has intentionally cut off all contact with you. This is a case of ghosting , a phenomenon that is becoming increasingly widespread and can have significant psychological repercussions.

What is ghosting?

On a social level (since there is another phenomenon with the same name linked to the superimposition of images), ghosting is understood as a situation in which a person, suddenly, voluntarily ceases contact with another person with whom he or she had some previous communication as a way of ending that relationship. In other words, it is a matter of disappearing completely from the life of another person without telling him/her anything or warning him/her about the end of the interactions.

Ghosting is a practice that has become popular with the arrival of social networks , especially with the emergence of networks such as WhatsApp and Telegram or social networks such as Facebook. But although the term has become popular, it is not as new as it may seem: what is now done on social networks was formerly done by phone, for example not answering calls.

This is a phenomenon that is particularly frequent in applications for flirting or meeting people , with one party tiring of the interaction and ignoring the other party’s attempts to communicate. However, it does not only occur in this type of application, but can also occur between people who have known each other for a long time. For ghosting to take place, there must be a real previous communication (it would not be considered as such that there had never been a reply or that there was no fluid communication, even if one of the parties had tried to contact us).

The slow fade

There is another way of acting similarly, the so-called “slow fade” , in which the person who practices it also ceases contact with the other one but in a much more gradual way. They pretend to have small lapses and difficulties in seeing or speaking that can be attributed to things like work or having things to do more and more frequently until communication ceases.

This is a type of disappearance that makes the practitioner think that he has not abandoned the relationship, avoiding to some extent the feeling of guilt that could cause him to cease the relationship directly. However, this does not mean that everyone who reduces their level of communication with us is trying to disappear from our lives: it may be that for various circumstances they cannot really pay attention or prioritize other things.

Causes of this phenomenon

With ghosting defined, one may wonder why this attitude. The truth is that the reasons that each person may have to carry it out may be very different.
One of the main reasons is social: we have become used to maintaining superficial relationships and to having a rather individualistic attitude. We value relationships less and do not tend to go too deeply into them.

Furthermore, new technologies offer us the possibility of not offering an answer, something that people have become accustomed to. Many of the people who practice it even see it as normal, being used to this type of behaviour. However, with a few exceptions, it usually indicates a lack of education or an attempt to escape from a relationship. It is also related to the increasing difficulty for the empathy of the individualistic societies. Next some possible causes of ghosting are reflected.

1. Fear/Run

One of the parties involved may have done or said something that has damaged, offended or frightened the other, wanting to cease communication immediately . This is also a possible valid response in cases of harassment or to end toxic relationships. Sometimes it can also be used on people who remind us of such experiences or of people or situations that have harmed us.

2. Absence of interest

Another option, much more frequent, is that the person who ceases contact has simply lost all interest, or that interest has never been too high and does not really value the contact with the other . Also that there is another person that he or she prioritizes, or even that he or she does not want to make clear the end of the relationship in case the opportunity arises again at some point. This is frequent when the contact with the other person is recent and there is not a real link between them, as it happens in flirting applications.

3. Conflict avoidance

Another option, which occurs especially when ghosting occurs to end a more or less established relationship or in people, is based on the fear of harming or confronting and seeing how the communication of the cessation of the relationship generates discomfort in the other person , having difficulties in determining to make the other person see that one wants to cease the relationship.

Not knowing how to deal with what the other might say, or avoiding the discomfort of seeing how the other suffers, are often reasons why ghosting can occur. So it can also be a way to avoid the discomfort of seeing the other suffer. There may also be a belief that this procedure generates less pain and feeling of rejection in the other.

4. Punishment

It can also be understood as a somewhat immature form of punishment : disappearing from someone’s life without saying why it can be seen as a way of hurting the other person and forgetting about it, as happens in some cases of infidelity.

Effects of ghosting

Ghosting is a practice that can have a number of repercussions on those who suffer from it. While in the case of someone little known or a superficial contact does not go beyond a slight annoyance and anger, but it can be very painful if we are talking about someone who we really value for a long time. An example of this can be found in the sudden cessation of communication between more or less consolidated couples or highly valued friendships. The fact that someone suddenly stops a contact can generate great anguish.

The person who is left waiting for contact may feel great pain when ignored, feeling like someone despised . In addition, they must face the uncertainty of what has happened, something that in many cases is unknown, and the absence of a response and why the situation seems unfair and disproportionate. In cases of long relationships, the subject may go through a phase of mourning.

Ghosting leaves the subject with the uncertainty of what has happened and whether the relationship has ended or not, leaving him insecure and producing a more prolonged pain. It also makes it difficult for him to trust later relationships: if I have been suddenly and unexpectedly abandoned, it can easily happen again. On top of this, people with previous depression, anxiety or self-esteem problems may find their fears and negative thoughts exacerbated and confirmed by feeling abandoned.

The person who stops contacting may become remorseful , or may incorporate ghosting into his behavioural repertoire (if he did not already have it) and carry it out more frequently in order to stop unwanted relationships. On the other hand, those who carry it out out of fear and avoidance of conflict do not face this fear, prolonging it and even making it worse by being able to fix this behavior as a habitual pattern.

What to do in the face of someone who ignores us?

Ghosting is, nowadays, a frequent reality that many people are going to face sooner or later. It’s something that can be difficult to react to.
It is advisable that first we do not jump to hasty conclusions, since at the end of the day something may have happened that makes us unable or unwilling to answer without really wanting to disappear from the life of the other. You can try to send a message after some time by asking if it is okay.

However, if time passes and the person still does not answer, it is time to start accepting that he or she may have lost interest . It is a matter of acknowledging this, and (although it may be more difficult than it seems) then stopping trying to make contact.

We must try to think and work to realize that this ending is not our fault or our decision. If it happens in a relationship that was fluid, it is easy for us to need an explanation, but we have to try to stop looking for it: the other person has no intention of offering it to us and we have to go on with our life. It is also important that we do not identify this behaviour as something normal , and that we try not to let this fact burden future relationships: not everyone will do the same to us. And although initially we may feel very bad, it is advisable not to stop doing activities or to close ourselves off, but to continue pursuing our objectives and trying to enjoy our leisure time.