A few weeks ago the film “You can trust me” ( “Trust” in the English version) was televised.

This interesting film faithfully describes a case of Grooming . This relatively new phenomenon, Grooming, refers to the deception and sexual harassment suffered by minors online by adults. The film reflects how what a family has built up over the years is destroyed by a stranger in an instant. The online stranger gains the trust of a 14-year-old girl, Annie, by pretending to be a 16-year-old and taking advantage of the insecurities of the girl’s age.

Grooming: a new danger for teens (Spoiler’s warning)

Warning, if someone wants to watch the movie, please do not continue reading because to deal with the subject of Grooming I will use several plot elements from the movie to facilitate the understanding of the phenomenon . The sexual abuse of children is a subject that concerns the whole of society, a problem that, although it is quite frequent, is often clothed in clichés and stereotypes that contribute to making it more invisible. When we talk about sexual abuse of children, the collective imagination mistakenly reminds us that abuse involves the use of force and physical violence. This is not always the case.

The film rightly reminds us that when we refer to the sexual abuse of minors, there does not necessarily have to be a previous aggression, since the adult can use mechanisms of emotional manipulation, deception and blackmail . These mechanisms cover the clearly sexual and illegitimate intentionality of the adult. With this type of manoeuvres, the aggressor manages to gain the trust and affection of the child: “He is interested in me”, “He loves me”. This can cause the relationship to move to the physical plane, producing sexual aggression.

Adults who manipulate and gain the trust of children

The unknown adult, called “Charlie” in the film, has woven a web of manipulations for more than two months to gain the trust of the minor , in order to prepare the ground and perpetrate the abuse. “He has been preparing her for this moment. With these words the FBI agent answers Annie’s father (Clive Owen) when he asks the angry agent “Did my daughter resist? Did she ask for help? A father who represents public opinion, since he is totally convinced that the abuse must involve physical violence, and does not understand how his intelligent 14-year-old daughter has put herself in this situation, deceived and manipulated by Charlie.

The same can be observed in the three families that lend themselves to an experiment with the youtuber Coby Persin , to demonstrate the risk suffered by minors to become victims of this type of sex criminals. The children’s parents are very confident that their daughters (12-14 years old) will not agree to open the door at night or get into the vehicle of an unknown “teenager”.

How can we as parents prevent our child from being a victim of grooming?

It is clear that the key is to prevent cheating , explaining the risks that exist on the net and informing about the security measures available, insisting that they should not meet with strangers no matter how much our young people believe that they are not strangers or strangers because they have chatted for a few days. One of the best indications is to be prudent, to distrust the good words of strangers and to apply common sense.

Common Sense and Critical Thinking

But we will only succeed in making teenagers and pre-teens aware of this type of case by encouraging them to develop critical thinking , just as we did when we stopped believing one hundred percent what we saw on TV. We must get them to question the age, personality and intentions of unknown people who contact them through the internet. We must warn our children that it is neither right nor acceptable for a stranger to ask them to meet in secret, and that such a meeting can have terrible consequences.

We must also inform them that, if they finally decide to meet this person, they must always be accompanied by another person who can help them in case something strange happens . And a long list of recommendations that have already been indicated by police and educational institutions and that we should keep reminding our children of the potential dangers they may run if they are too gullible.

What causes children to become attached to their potential abuser?

But let’s keep looking at the film. What makes it so that when Annie finds out that Charlie has lied with age, she forgives him and continues to be exposed to risk? The answer is a combination of three factors: trust, insecurity and the age difference . Therefore, we are talking about emotional and cognitive competencies that are superior to the adult with respect to the child.

There is an asymmetry between the two and there is an abuse of power . The trust, which Charlie has earned by giving him all the attention by chat and telephone, and Annie’s insecurity, very typical of the stage of puberty, are the elements that facilitate contact and “friendship” between them. Annie wants to fit in, to like, and she makes her efforts in high school. And Charlie ends up eclipsing all her attention by taking an interest in everything that affects the girl, giving a false image of himself that she fantasizes about and hiding that his interest in her is only sexual.

A key moment in the film is when the two meet and she cries when she finds out that he had cheated on her by telling her his age . At that moment, Charlie accuses her and holds her responsible for the lie, reproaching her for not telling her her real age because she knew she would react immaturely. Therefore, the adult uses a perverse psychological manipulation that prevents Annie from recognizing her assertive rights, such as the right to get angry and leave, to say no, and so on. And as if that were not enough, he again shifts the blame onto her, pretending that they have “something special” and adopting paternalistic attitudes to get her to agree to his claims.

Another key: improving trust between parents and children

The social peer group (classmates and friends, for example) plays an important role in the development of children’s identity and self-esteem, and it is difficult to influence this. But precisely because of this decisive influence we must be attentive and receptive and try to reinforce and positively influence our children, encouraging communication with them.

Some generic recommendations are as follows:

  • Reinforces his assertiveness by letting him decide on certain aspects of his daily life.
  • Enhances social relations among peers . Going to parties of friends, coming home to sleep, etc.
  • Talk about sexuality with them . We must establish serious and cordial communication with the children about this topic, not only about protection and contraceptives, which is the most basic thing, but also about assertive rights (to decide, to change their minds, not to allow someone to do something to them that they do not want, etc.).
  • If your child wants to share with you something that has happened to him or her with friends, or at school, stop what you are doing and take an interest in him or her.
  • It controls the use of the mobile phone, especially in family contexts. The film clearly shows how Annie spends her day in front of the computer and the phone: this behaviour we should not allow as parents. Be interested in what you see that makes her smile or bothers her, even if it’s something she doesn’t want to share, be interested.
  • If you see your son or daughter worried about their image, try not to trivialize, positively reinforce their physical appearance and take an interest in their tastes.

Practical guides to improve our parenting skills

There is an asymmetry between the two and there is an abuse of power . The trust, which Charlie has earned by giving him all the attention by chat and telephone, and Annie’s insecurity, very typical of the stage of puberty, are the elements that facilitate contact and “friendship” between them. Annie wants to fit in, to like, and she makes her efforts in high school.
And Charlie ends up eclipsing all her attention by taking an interest in everything that affects the girl, giving a false image of himself that she fantasizes about and hiding that his interest in her is only sexual.