Love is a very difficult concept to understand and even more difficult to decipher how it works. There are so many forms of expression, manifestation, conception, etc. that make it impossible to establish concrete guidelines for action.

Relationships: from start to finish

The aim of this article is to give a personal view on how we believe love relationships work, whether they are healthy or not, and finally, to offer some guidelines in case they do not come to fruition .

To carry out this reflection, we will divide the article into three moments that we consider key: the beginning of the friendship, the healthy relationship vs. the unhealthy one, and finally, how to face a breakup in the best way in case it happens.

1. The beginning: the morbidity of the unknown

In this first stage is where a process of mutual knowledge begins, where there is an exchange of information (musical tastes, hobbies, favourite films, etc.) and where an endless number of understandings are produced.

Through communication, both verbal and non-verbal, an attraction also begins, both physical and chemical, in which the two people begin to like each other and share special moments (a glass of wine, a walk in the park, a look of complicity, etc.). Those first butterflies begin to fly…

2. Healthy Relationships vs. Unhealthy Relationships

With time the relationship matures, the people who form the couple adapt to each other, giving rise to a symbiosis that is not always proportional and positive .

This is where relationships begin to take one form or another. The key is to know how to share and to find a balance where each individual feels important and happy both individually and as a couple. It is essential to be aware that a person can be happy by himself, because in our view, this is one of the keys that define happiness within the couple.

In a healthy relationship, the two people exchange love, experiences, trust, balance, security, etc. always looking for a mutual benefit that makes them grow personally without having to give up a little piece of themselves, but rather sharing a part of the essence of each one . The results tend to be of couples with a lot of future where the feeling of well-being and satisfaction prevails.

On the contrary, in an unhealthy relationship, there is no sharing, but rather an “existential struggle” where the one who takes the most pieces from the other person wins.It is here that jealousy, selfishness, distrust, insecurity, imbalance, etc. appear. The result is often a painful breakup of a couple where the “loser” often accuses a serious lack of self-confidence that leads to states of anxiety and depression. This is because they have forgotten the main basis of any relationship: we can be happy without having a partner .

3. How can I deal with a possible break-up?

Well, first of all, whether you have had a healthy relationship or not, you have to accept that from now on the one who is going to make the world move is you and only you. It is a question of attitude .

In these situations, there are usually two types of people, those who look to the future (looking for change) and those who look to the past (looking to recover what was lost).

In the first case, we are talking about a person who is aware that there is a gap but that it can be filled with new life experiences. They have a feeling of sadness, as is normal, but at the same time they breathe in airs of freedom (I choose). Their motivation for wanting to move forward is intrinsic (to oneself) and they ask themselves questions like what do I want to change? how am I going to change it? why am I going to change it? .

In the second case, we speak of a sad person (as is logical) but who feels incapable of rebuilding his life, he lives directly in bitterness, in resignation, many times becoming “toxic” people. They feel the need for emotional dependence (on their ex-partner), they close themselves off in a small introverted world without new experiences, always trying to recover what they have lost. This attitude often leads the person to depressive states and a lack of self-confidence as they seek motivation in others (extrinsic).

The essential: to be happy without needing to be with another person

As we have said before, it is all a question of attitude and asking oneself where I want to be, because we cannot change the past, but we can choose the future.

In the UPAD Psychology and Coaching we bet on teaching people strategies to find their own motivations that will help them to generate that change that will provide them with what they really have forgotten and are looking for: to be happy by themselves.

We hope that this article will make you think about the kind of relationship you want to have and if you find yourself in a moment of rupture, stop thinking about the past and start working on your future .