Knowing how to ask for forgiveness when the moment requires it is one of those skills that, however simple they may seem, make a difference in personal relationships. There are people who experience serious problems when it comes to apologizing, even if the other person is someone they love and trust.

But, as with many other skills, it is possible to learn how to apologize to someone you love or even to someone with whom you have a more formal or professional relationship. Below we’ll look at the keys to achieving this .

How to apologize: various tips

Learning to apologize requires changing certain habits and beliefs related to self-image and expectations about how social relationships should be. Let’s look at it in depth.

1. internalize the idea that no one is perfect

Many people who experience difficulties in actually apologising have unrealistic expectations about how they should be perceived by others.

Specifically, they are excessively perfectionist, and feel a rejection of the idea of asking for forgiveness because they see this as a staging of their own failure. That is, an action that, when seen by more people, makes something subjective (“I have reasons to ask for forgiveness”) objective.

Thus, asking someone for forgiveness implies making an effort that, at the same time, contradicts one’s own highly idealized self-image .

However, we must be clear that no one is perfect. Even the great historical figures, the most admired, seen from the present are full of mistakes, even errors that today’s children would not make.

2. Get out of the self-criticism loop

Many people begin to judge themselves cruelly for not asking for forgiveness. However, this is on the one hand unnecessary and unreasonable, and on the other hand an excuse that justifies the absence of a proper apology. In other words, is a strategy for purging responsibilities without having to ask for forgiveness and making everything “behind closed doors”, without anyone but oneself being able to benefit from this.

That’s why it’s important to recognize this thought routine for what it is: an excuse. We must break with this cognitive ritual.

3. Practice error acceptance

Acceptance of error is the most mature attitude. No one can escape from mistakes, as we have seen.

Therefore, it is good that you get used to performing small apology rituals, even if at first it is only to ask for forgiveness for the small things of everyday life. The very fact of doing this repeatedly, progressively increasing the importance of the context in which we apologize, predisposes us to continue doing it spontaneously .

4. Train empathy

It is crucial that you dedicate efforts to empathize, put yourself in the other person’s place cognitively and emotionally . To do this, do just that: imagine that you are that person and that you see things from their point of view. If you get used to doing this at times of significant emotional charge, you will gradually find it less difficult to empathize spontaneously.

5. Concentrate on detecting the discomfort caused

Whoever proposes to ask for forgiveness but does not get it, surely does not see the magnitude of the damage and inconvenience he has caused. In some way, one’s own pride is more important than recognizing the other person who is in an unjust situation.

That is why we must stop and reflect on the damage that has been done; not only on the superficial and apparent, but also on the details and indirect effects that our actions have caused.

For example, arriving very late to a meeting not only means spending a few minutes of discomfort waiting; it also means missing part of the day, or even being left in a vulnerable position if it is a meeting with potential clients, for example.

6. Make a simple script

The first times you try to apologize by trying to make everything work out, you may experience a relatively high degree of anxiety . This state of activation may cause you to fall into a somewhat chaotic and disorganised pattern of behaviour.

That’s why it’s best to do r a little script about what you have to say and do . Of course, it should be very simple and short, with two or three one-line ideas, and nothing else. If you write down literally everything you want to say, this may cause even more stress, because remembering everything is an extra job that you don’t really have to do.

Just remember the ideas that structure your apology and express them as they come out. It probably won’t come out perfect, but this is normal.

7. Watch what happens

Seeing how the other person reacts after we have apologized is, although it may not seem like it, the most important part of the process of learning to say forgiveness. The reason for this is that this is not really something we do for ourselves , but for the other person. That is why this point of view will help us to smooth out the imperfections in our way of communicating and will allow us to help the other person in whatever he or she needs at that moment to feel better.