Many of the crises in couples are caused by problems of infidelity, with its consequent lack of confidence and changes in the way the relationship is seen. Usually this is experienced with great stress and frustration by both partners, and guilt is common, even in the person who has not commented on the infidelity.

While it is true that on many occasions the simple fact that this deception has occurred is sufficient reason for one of the members of the couple to decide to break off the relationship and move away definitively, in other cases the situation can be redressed if the root problem is solved and forgiveness is honestly sought from the one who has been deceived by a lover. Apologising for an infidelity is a fundamental step in recomposing the relationship.

Apologizing for an infidelity: reconnecting

In the following lines we will see several tips about the role that forgiveness should have after an infidelity and how to apologize after such an event.

1. Assume that you do not have to forgive

The person who has suffered from infidelity has every right not to accept the apology and to terminate the relationship without further explanation. If this is the case, it is totally inappropriate and harmful to blame her, as no one is obliged to give second chances. It is necessary to undertake the task of apologizing with this in mind , and that at the first sign that the other person wants to be alone and does not want to talk to the person who has been unfaithful to him or her, his or her decision must be respected.

2. Asking for your own needs

Before apologizing, one must consider whether infidelity is not in fact the symptom of not wanting to be in that relationship. Asking this question can be hard, but is necessary to avoid wasting time and frustration on the other person and on yourself.

3. Have the initial talk

It is necessary to talk about it, to ask for forgiveness in an express way and to forge new very concrete commitments, so that the other person has the capacity to see if progress is made in them or if they act as if they did not exist.

This talk should take place in a quiet and intimate place, and its tone should be serious, so that honesty is allowed and double meaning is avoided. Of course, you should avoid having it remotely, either by text message or phone call. Something so important deserves to be seen face to face . This way, the involvement will be much greater.

4. Assuming one’s responsibility

The only person responsible for infidelity is the one who commits it. It is absolutely essential to be clear about this, because otherwise, if it becomes clear in the conversation that the other person is also responsible, a totally undeserved and unjust feeling of guilt will be introduced.

5. More actions and fewer words

Infidelity is a betrayal of a person’s trust. Someone who has made sacrifices to be with his or her partner, who has missed out on opportunities that he or she would not have missed out on, and who has invested time and effort in the relationship. That’s why it’s not enough to just say “I’m sorry. You have to show a significant change in the way you behave every day, in the way you live the relationship and in the way you generate habits.

6. Not to compensate, but to build

The idea that apologizing for an infidelity is to compensate for the wrongdoing is part of a wrong approach to what is happening. If this were the case, once past infidelity is considered to have been compensated, everything should go back to the way it was before, including the deceptions .

The idea is different: to qualitatively transform the relationship to make it based on honesty and trust. In this way, the need to seek forgiveness from the other person is transformed into something useful and meaningful: a way of giving rise to the evolution of the relationship.

7. Open and transparent

The whole process of apologizing for an infidelity involves showing vulnerability and trust, making the other person have reason to have more confidence in the one who has deceived them before. However, one should not become obsessed with the idea of not keeping any secrets , since everyone has the right to keep secrets as long as they do not directly affect the other person who shares his or her life with him or her, and as long as they are not numerous.

Furthermore, trying to be totally transparent can have a rebound effect, as it is practically impossible, it gives an excuse to look for exceptions to this rule knowing that it is absurd not to have secrets.