Compromise is a concept that refers to an aspect that can be very complicated to carry out. To commit implies to make an effort, to persevere and to struggle to do, maintain, take care of or achieve that which has been agreed upon either with oneself or with others.

Many people are scared, and they avoid commitment. Some people only commit when they’re really going to do it. Others commit themselves again and again to different things and people knowing that they will never deliver and others in the face of adversity will back out.

We can commit ourselves to many things, but probably one of the aspects with which this concept is most often associated is with that of affective and couple relationships . That is why in this article we are going to talk about how to establish healthy commitments in relationships.

Contextualizing the concept of commitment in love

To commit oneself to something or someone, to have and maintain one’s word and loyalty to a contracted obligation. In the context of a couple, we understand commitment as the willingness and permanence in the situation and in the relationship, to maintain the relationship in a solid way until the end despite the difficulties that may arise.

The commitment implies the assumption of responsibility in the maintenance, care and becoming of the relationship, the elaboration of a common project of which both members want to be part. However, for it to be such it has to be seen as something positive and desirable, not as an imposition or something cumbersome. It is necessary the existence of a mutual interest and in the durability of the relationship. It also requires a similar appreciation of what is expected from the relationship and an acceptance of what both partners want.

It is necessary to take into account that communication is a key element for a commitment with the couple: each person is a world and it is necessary that both members communicate their expectations in this respect . The idea of fidelity is one of these aspects, as well as the willingness to have or not to have children, the distribution of roles and tasks or priorities.

Commitment is therefore a key element in having a relationship. The lack of it on the part of one or both members of the couple can lead to the failure of the relationship , generating great suffering for both members (especially for the part that is involved) or even not forming as such beyond an affair.

The Sternberg Love Triangle

The idea of commitment is something that has been considered within love relationships for centuries, and has been included in various theories regarding romantic attraction and partner formation. One of the best known theories today is the one proposed by Sternberg .

For this author, there are many different types of love, which depend on the interaction between three key components: passion, intimacy and commitment.

Passion refers to the most instinctive and emotional quality , the desire and the need, the energetic, romantic and sexual part of the relationship. Intimacy would refer to the most sentimental and bonding part, the desire to protect and love the other person and to open up and receive from each other. Finally, commitment would refer to what we discussed earlier: the willingness to gamble, maintain and stay in the relationship regardless of difficulties.

A love without commitment could be a mere infatuation (if it is only based on passion) or affection (if the basis is intimacy). It is possible to find romantic love is a situation with relative lack of commitment, there being passion and intimacy. If there is intimacy and commitment we would find ourselves in the presence of a sociable love (perhaps closer to friendship), without passion and with little desire.

If there is hardly any intimacy but passion and commitment, we would find ourselves with a fatuous love. Finally, if there is only commitment but no longer passion and intimacy, we would be faced with an empty love (a commitment, in this case, rather lived as an imposition). The ideal of love would be consummated love, in which the three previous components would be balanced. However, it is the most complicated to achieve.

But just because there is a particular kind of love at a particular time doesn’t mean it can’t change over time. Passion, intimacy and commitment can come and go, train and develop.

How to create healthy and realistic commitments in relationships

Creating and maintaining commitment in a relationship can be more difficult than it seems. In trying to create and maintain it, it is advisable to consider the importance of the following aspects.

1. Communication

As we have said before, one of the keys to commitment is the fact that both of you express what you expect from your relationship, what you are willing to do and how far you are willing to commit. It is not a question of setting fixed limits, but of making clear what can be expected from each other and whether there is a willingness to get involved and maintain the relationship. Likewise, communication allows problems and issues of relevance to be negotiated and not to become entrenched and make it difficult to be in tune with the partner.

2. Honesty

Along with the previous point, another of the indispensable elements for having and maintaining a bond of commitment is honesty. We must be able to express ourselves in an authentic way and without pretense, in such a way that we can indicate what we want, what we seek and what fills us.

3. Do things together

Something essential to generate a bond in which there is commitment is the fact of having a common project, elements that unite you. Spending time together just like that does not have to generate commitment, but spending time discovering each other and the things we like about our partner strengthens the relationship and the determination to preserve it.

4. Beware of unrealistic expectations

One possible problem that can make a stable commitment difficult is having unrealistic expectations about the other person or the relationship. We must take into account that in relationships there are also bumps and difficult moments , and this does not mean that the commitment has to be broken. Likewise, thinking that the other person has excessively high expectations of ourselves or demands too much of us can also end up weakening the commitment.

The solution is, as in all cases, to communicate efficiently and smoothly. It is also possible to work on the beliefs and expectations in question.

Have your own space

Although it is necessary to be together and communicate, it is not healthy either to generate a suffocating and overwhelming bond in which everything has to be done together. It is necessary that everyone has their own space and time for themselves. The opposite can weaken the commitment by excessive pressure.

Work on your fears

One of the things that makes it difficult to maintain a commitment is the fear of what it entails. Addressing this fear may require overcoming traumatic personal situations (e.g., previous breakups or infidelities that make it difficult to want to trust another person). It is also possible that there may be a lack of commitment for fear of losing freedom, a fear that also needs to be discussed and addressed.