Couple’s arguments are practically inevitable. Sooner or later, in a love relationship there are times when there are conflicts of interest or expectations, or misunderstandings arise.

So the problem is not whether or not to argue, but how to do it. In this article we’ll look at some key ideas about how to argue with your partner in the most constructive way possible .

How to argue with your partner by managing communication well

It is clear that discussions are frequent, and practically everyone has been through them. However, it is also true that we tend to associate the word “discussion” with moments of great anger when two or more people shout at each other and express their frustration, even though this is not the case.

In reality, discussing only means dealing with a problem and the reasons for or against it in two ways, regardless of whether there are feelings of anger or not .

Of course, the more personal and intimate a personal relationship is, the more sensitive the discussions are, so it is important to know how to manage it. And the area of the couple is one of the examples of this.

So let’s look at some tips on how to discuss with your partner in a constructive and dialogue-oriented way .

1. Identify the fundamental problem to be addressed

This is the necessary first step for constructive discussion. It is something that must be done between both members of the couple, and it helps to get the discussion on track and to give tools to not let the subject be changed .

2. Addresses discussion as a communicative issue

There are those who are tempted to turn discussions into a battle in which they must be victorious and defeated. This front line logic is totally contrary to the nature of constructive discussions, which are approached as a communicative phenomenon.

3. Distinguish feelings from facts

It is fundamental that in a love relationship a distinction is made between what one feels and what one does, since only the latter can be known by the other from objective facts .

Thus, if in a discussion complaints arise about how bad one feels in certain circumstances related to the common love life, one has to understand that that in itself is not something that the other person has done. What can be dealt with by attributing responsibility is what has been done by the other person and what has been able to facilitate the emergence of those emotions.

4. You must know how to use the pauses

When it seems that some of the people involved in the couple’s discussion start to feel visibly frustrated and angry, you should leave a brief pause that serves to lower the tone and relax . This can be communicated explicitly, since it is a perfectly valid reason to postpone the exchange of arguments for a few minutes or seconds.

5. Don’t bring up old conflicts

Another of the issues related to renouncing discussions as contexts in which to “beat” the other is the renunciation of using these moments to vent and wanting to accuse the other of any irrelevant issue, using any excuse.

Any attempt to change the subject to bring up old personal quarrels should be seen as a red flag, a reason in itself not to give explanations on that subject and redirect the discussion towards the subject at hand.

6. Do not interrupt

Something as simple as it is essential. If this principle is not respected, the tone of the voice will naturally rise , making the type of personal involvement that is printed on the discussion also change and entering into the competitive logic for being the one who has the last word.

7. Reformulate what the other says

At key moments when both of you have stated your fundamental ideas, it is good to try to explain in one’s own words what the other has said. This serves both to show respect for the other’s ideas and to help you understand the other person better by giving him or her the opportunity to correct you.

8. Practice assertiveness

Anger and anger related excesses are not the only problem to prevent in a couple’s discussion. In addition, there is a risk that one of the parties involved may not say all that he thinks about the topic being discussed, either because of insecurity or because of a passive-aggressive attitude.

Bibliographic references:

  • Harvey, J. H., Ormarzu, J. (1997). “Minding the close relationship”. Personality and Social Psychology Review. 1: pp. 223 – 239.
  • Tennov, Dorothy (1979). Love and Limerence: the Experience of Being in Love. New York: Stein and Day.
  • Townsend, J. (1998). “What Women Want, What Men Want” Oxford University Press, United Kingdom.