One of the main reasons for people to go to couples therapy is infidelity . This phenomenon occurs relatively frequently in society, and couples are increasingly coming to the Instituto Psicode for this reason.

Discovering an infidelity can have devastating effects on couples : trust problems, jealousy, frequent arguments, reproaches, threats of separation, loss of communication, etc. Different relationship dynamics are created that destabilise the members of the couple, the couple itself and even the family environment.

The challenge: overcoming infidelity

When a couple in this situation asks us for help, the resulting crisis can even generate doubts about breaking up the relationship. On other occasions, although they are sure they want to stay together, they are unable to get closer emotionally . And this is where the work of the professional comes in.

The psychologist is an expert person, emotionally detached from the problem, whose goal is to help rebuild trust in the relationship and the feeling of togetherness and complicity that was broken by the infidelity.

The couples’ therapist has an objective view of the problem, does not make moral judgments and does not look for guilt. He analyses the situation and uses scientifically proven techniques to help the couple.

Why are we unfaithful?

The causes of infidelity are very diverse. In a recent survey conducted by IPSOS, among the reasons indicated by the respondents were: experiencing something different when having an affair , getting revenge for a previous infidelity of their partner, being convinced that they really want to be with their partner, or igniting the spark in their own relationship.

But the main reason they stated was “To gain self-confidence”. This is the most important reason why people are unfaithful, more often than the boredom of the routine of a stable relationship.

In our current society, seduction and the fact that others like you are highly valued. Infidelity covers the need for admiration that many people have . It helps them to have more confidence in themselves and improve their self-esteem.

The game of seduction catches and hooks the person. At first the person starts the game of “fooling around”, without thinking that anything serious will come up. But little by little he or she gets hooked on the reinforcement dose provided by the other one. He feels very good knowing that he likes and seduces and does not want to stop feeling it, for that reason he continues with the game, which becomes more and more addictive.

This reinforcement of self-esteem is not only generated by the reciprocity of the other, but is largely self-created. Seducing involves showing off the most beautiful part of yourself and this is where we fall into the trap: you get hooked on the feeling of being a “seducer”, you bring out the best in yourself to captivate the other person and then “wham!” the crush comes, you love yourself. It is a feeling that you had forgotten with your usual partner, because you no longer have to conquer her.

Latent love problems

At other times, we find infidelity to be a means to an end. That is to say, it is through it, the way a person has to express a discomfort in their relationship with their partner .

There are couples who have problems and don’t talk about it, because it seems that “if you don’t talk about them, it’s as if they don’t exist”. They become more distant as time goes by and do nothing to solve it, they just let themselves go. The fact that one of the two people is unfaithful, is usually the starting point to start talking about the problems and solve them. It would be something like “hitting rock bottom” and then resurfacing.

These people go to couples therapy and their first reason for consultation is to overcome infidelity, but this is only the starting point. When this is achieved and there is reconciliation, it is time to start working on all those aspects that were failing in the couple and that have led one of them to be unfaithful.

“Will I be able to forgive an infidelity?”

This is one of the questions most often asked by people who have been betrayed when they come to therapy on the first day. They say things like: “I would like to forgive, but I don’t know if I will be able to because I always promised myself that I would never forgive something like this”.

It is normal to have doubts about whether they will be able to forgive and that everything will go back to the way it was before. Infidelity destabilizes the relationship, generates conflicts , makes you lose confidence in the other person and breaks the feeling of union and intimacy. Fortunately, all this can be recovered with the help of a professional.

The person who has been deceived feels humiliated, betrayed and helpless in the face of the situation. He often feels a lot of anger, rage and feeling of revenge towards the other and believes that these feelings will never change, so he feels that he will not be able to forgive.

All people are capable of forgiveness. Some people forgive easily and others find it harder. The ease of forgiveness is also related to what “the infidel” does to be forgiven, to the severity of the infidelity, and to how the infidelity was discovered (whether it was something confessed or not). In the clinic we always encounter obstacles that prevent the reunion.

Going beyond the grudge

One of the key elements of couples therapy is to digest the resentment of the person who has felt betrayed, because while this emotion is at play it is difficult to move forward.

The sessions are not easy. It is not about telling us positive things or remembering that we love each other and thinking that this will solve it. It is a much deeper work, of emotional unblocking , of adjustment of beliefs, of installation of new interpretations to re-create the connection, so that resentment gives way to forgiveness and confidence is installed again. Each session is different, in some sessions we work with both members of the couple at the same time and in others separately.

The final objective is to walk together again and that the couple “reinvent” themselves after this crisis, so that at the end of the therapy, both feel that they have not only overcome their infidelity, but that they have healed wounds from the past and have grown as individuals and as a couple.

From the Instituto Psicode, after 12 years of work helping couples, we encourage them to experience the benefits of couples therapy before deciding to break up their relationship. 90% of the couples who come to us manage to save their relationship and are happy to continue together. If you are in such a situation, you will find the contact details of the Psicode Institute at this link.