Until only a couple of generations ago, the deceased relative was kept in the house and the children participated in the whole ritual like any other member of the family. Although this is no longer done that way, removing the children from this kind of moment makes them feel excluded from the family unit at a time when they especially need its protection.

In recent years there has been a tendency to overprotect children by using euphemisms and even lying about death to spare them pain. However, death is a natural part of life and preparing children to face it is fundamental for them to be able to normalize the phases of grief when the time comes. Now… how do you do it?

Communicating the death of a loved one to a child

The death must always be communicated by one of the parents or, if this is not possible, by a relative or person very close to the child’s circle of affection. We should choose a calm and quiet environment, under cover, where he can feel protected: the most suitable place is his own room.

We will sit next to him and make physical contact , either hugging him or taking his hand, putting ours on one of his legs… eye contact is equally important. Our tone of voice will be calm and we will use simple words that the child can understand, with short phrases and without avoiding words like "dead" or"death".

Children up to 6 years old

They are still not clear about the concept of irreversibility of death , so we have to be very concise. For example, we can tell him that he has died and will never come back, that we will never see him again, that he is dead forever.

It is important that you understand that death is not something mutable so that you can focus on the fact. His next concern will be how this will affect him in his life, and there we will have to answer him honestly, explaining the changes that will occur (if for example one of the parents has died), if he will continue to go to the same school and live in the same house, who will take care of him now…

From 6 to 9 years old

They already know that death is not a reversible fact but they continue to have doubts as if being dead hurts , if they can hear us, where the dead go… We should be sincere in our answers and try to give open answers so that he can have his own idea about it.

For example, we can tell him that for some people the dead go to paradise, for others they are born again after a while, for others everything ends with death… and that in reality nobody knows for sure, explain to him what comforts us to think but that he can think and believe what makes him feel better.

From 9 onwards

They already understand death as we do and their greatest concern will be their own safety, keeping their world as intact as possible. It is essential to respect their time and give them space if they prefer to be alone or in the company of children their own age. Just let them know that we are there if they need anything from us.

It is important to explain to the child that going through a grief is a process that takes time, that little by little he or she will recover normality and respect it if he or she is in a bad mood or does not want to talk, since bad answers and anger are often the way to express tears . It is also important to respect the child’s grief, regardless of his age, if it is the death of a pet because he is a member of the family.