Love breakups are experiences that all of us probably go through or have gone through. They are also experiences that can cause a lot of discomfort, at least for some of the parties involved. How can we overcome this discomfort?
Although it is a complex question, since it largely depends on the emotional resources of each person, and on the history of each couple, in this article we will see some useful strategies to manage and overcome a love break-up .
Why are love breakups so difficult?
It is normal that when the time comes to close some cycle, for example, when we have to say goodbye to something or someone, we get many unpleasant feelings. Sadness, anguish, fear, anxiety, anger are some of the most common. These last ones occur especially when the cycle has been closed by someone else, that is, when we have had to accept a decision that we do not fully share.
Although, as we have said, this is a fairly common experience, what is also common is not knowing how to deal with it. This is normal, because we are normally used to avoiding negative feelings and circumstances that make us uneasy. However, believing that we can avoid them completely has the consequence that we hardly learn to tolerate such circumstances and the emotions that accompany them .
If we also take into account that we are often socialized under the logic of romantic love, where the idea that love is suffering prevails; the process of going through a break-up becomes more complicated. Likewise, and as a break-up, this is a process that implies an experience of mourning, where we frequently go from denying closure to becoming angry and looking for blame, to finally accepting it. But, how can we move more easily from denial to acceptance?
8 Keys to Managing and Overcoming a Breakup
Fortunately there are several things we can do, even when the hard time is already happening. Some of these things can accommodate some people, and not others. That is, they do not work the same for everyone; it is a matter of trying them out and finding comfort according to our own processes.
That said, here are 7 keys that can be helpful in managing and overcoming a love breakup.
1. Find your support network
Both in the case of a love break-up and in any grieving process, it is very important to have a support network, i.e. people who accompany and listen to our difficult moments and help us compensate for the feeling of loss or loneliness. They can be family or friends and generally these are people who have also accompanied the process of falling in love , although not necessarily.
It often happens that when we get caught up in romantic love we distance ourselves from our support networks, making it sometimes difficult to return to them after the relationship is over. It is complicated because it involves, among other things, assuming our vulnerability and also accepting if we have made a mistake. However, returning to family and friends can be an important step in going through the grieving process more easily.
2. Make significant changes
It is also common that when we are in a relationship we accumulate objects, gifts, photos, memories , among a series of material elements that symbolize the relationship and the emotional bond. While these are objects that mean important things to us, they are also things that can prolong the process of denial and anger, and therefore complicate the process of acceptance.
It is important then to take some time away from these objects. This distance can mean getting rid of them, but it can also mean moving them around or keeping them for a while. You have to take into account that getting rid of them will cause unpleasant feelings, so it may be better to do this little by little. That is, get rid of one thing at a time, or start by moving them around, then putting them away and finally throwing them away; or not, depending on how we feel in the process.
3. Create new habits
Related to the above, it is common that being in a relationship creates new hobbies, new tastes and even new interests. Getting rid of all that is difficult because they are activities that we internalize and put into practice on a daily basis. Detachment then implies making strong changes, which definitely cannot happen overnight. It is important not to stop being active and to look for new things to do, even when the cycle of partnership is already over.
4. Recovering old hobbies
We don’t necessarily have to create new habits. It also works to recover the habits we had before we were in the relationship. Whether it works or not depends largely on how long the relationship has lasted, and how much we have changed in the course of it.
However, it can be a good exercise to think back and try to remember the activities we enjoyed before we started the relationship, as well as try to get closer to those activities. That is, explore a little and see what we can enjoy again and what we can’t .
5. Respect decisions
While we are in the process of denial and in transition to acceptance it is common for us to try to do what is necessary to “get back” the relationship. This often happens especially if we are not the ones who made the decision. Thus, we often try to make it possible for the other person to “fall in love again” , or in other words, we easily fall into the logic of “fighting for love”.
Here it is important not to confuse “recovering” or “falling in love” with “stalking”. And neither should we confuse “love” with “possession”, “pressure” or “obligation”. Although the process of hurting can be very difficult to accept, it is important to respect the closures and decisions that have been made.
6. Practice frustration tolerance
One must assume that relationships and emotional ties carry the risk of feeling uneasy. We cannot blame others for that discomfort, it is common that while we are in the process of accepting the end of the cycle we look for responsibility in the other person, both for having finished and for making us suffer or alleviating that suffering. In order to reach acceptance we have to take responsibility for our own discomfort and try to look for alternatives and tools beyond the person with whom we have shared a relationship.
7. Write how you feel
Something more specific that may work for some people to close their process is to say goodbye by writing a text to the person they had to leave. Since it is often difficult to say what we feel , but not because it is difficult to stop feeling it, one possible measure to say goodbye is to write it. This can be in the form of a farewell letter, which may or may not be given to the other person, or it can simply be a text that allows us to express emotions that we sometimes don’t recognize if we only think about them or if we only try to talk about them.
8. Take your time
It is important to remember that processing a loss or end of cycle takes time. For the same reason it is not necessary to push us to overcome these changes from one day to the next. Some people may take one day and others may take many more.
Many times that process is prolonged and becomes more stormy when we have the idea that we have already spent several days and are still in the same situation. This does not mean that we do not take responsibility for ourselves, but it does mean that when we have lived such a significant experience, it is normal that it takes us a significant time to learn to see that experience in a different way .