The desire to have a partner, whether or not related to the intention of forming a family, is a relatively frequent source of concern for people of almost all ages .
It is also very common, although no less unpleasant and stressful, that problems in finding someone suitable become a cause for concern that produces anxiety or something that generates a feeling of hopelessness in those people who see their bachelorhood as an irremediable destiny.
This is often expressed by the phrase “I can’t find that special person”. How can we deal psychologically with these cases in which unwanted singleness generates discomfort and a tendency to sadness, stress or even depressive symptoms? Below we will look at some aspects to be taken into account in these cases.
Why can’t I have a partner? A first step
We must be clear from the first moment that everything we can do to stop suffering because we have not found the right partner basically depends on the person affected, since we cannot hold others responsible for not fulfilling the characteristics we are looking for or not corresponding to our affection .
This, which seems obvious, is something that is often overlooked in moments of vulnerability: others are easily blamed, as this allows us to see several of the problems that afflict us embodied and offers a possibility of alleviating the discomfort at the expense of the other person.
1. Reviewing the case of people with partners
The idea of not finding someone special may not only affect single people, but also people who feel estranged from their partner or who think they don’t love them enough. In these cases there are a variety of factors that come into play, and that’s why we won’t talk about these cases in this article .
The best thing to do in these cases is to start by establishing a fluid communication with the couple on this subject and, from there, explore possibilities together or with the help of professionals.
The second point is already a call to action: analyze our own feelings and behaviors to know what is happening to us . There are many ways to experience unwanted singleness; one can look for someone to form a family, or one can also look for a partner due to social pressure, or one has recently suffered rejection and this has generated a crisis.
We must not take too much for granted when it comes to our real motivations and needs. This step alone can be a difficult learning process for those who are not used to introspective self-examination or who are not in the habit of performing activities related to what is sometimes called emotional intelligence.
3. Working on expectations
Part of the problem of believing that you cannot find the right person to form a couple is usually found in the expectations, which in many occasions can be deeply shaped by social pressure or even fashion , the film industry and, in general, the world of celebrities.
In these market sectors it is common to invest a lot of money in developing image campaigns to make people offer the best image of themselves to the public, an easily “idealized” version that in many occasions does not even define their real personality well. However, this is something we often overlook and that makes create unrealistic expectations about how people can become 24 hours a day . If we imagine that it is normal to be like these young and famous people all day long, it kills our tolerance for frustration with the shortcomings of others.
4. Detecting insulation signals
People who show some signs of depression by not finding a partner will be more likely to become more isolated, which may make them feel more alone. Sadness and hopelessness not only makes us lose the energy to do things like go out and meet people, but also places us in a loop of thoughts that damages our self-esteem and makes us think that it is useless to look for company, as nobody is going to be interested in us.
When someone makes movements to approach a sad or depressed person, instead of interpreting this as a good sign, many times this produces fear or anxiety, or is taken as a sign of pity or mockery. This leads to a defensive attitude that expresses in a non-verbal way the idea that one wants to be alone, which often causes this person to withdraw. This, in turn, is memorized as an unpleasant situation that has ended in a return to solitude, which confirms the ideas that one is destined to be alone.
If we have decided that we are really interested in meeting new people, it is important that we try to force ourselves to do activities that increase our chances of interacting with others, even if we don’t feel like it at all because of our low spirits. This is helped by the collaboration of our friends, who usually offer very good emotional support.
5. Finding ways to meet people
This is one of the most obvious steps in finding interesting people, and it’s good to take the time to explore them all. In the case of the possibility of meeting people on the Internet, it is important to get rid of the negative prejudices associated with this form of initial contact that still exist : they are based on stereotypes about people who have traditionally used computers for entertainment and, in addition to being based on fallacies and caricatured versions of reality, they have become very outdated.
6. Other proposals of love
Finally, there is something worth considering: there is also the possibility of having emotional relationships that are not limited to the couple tied by traditional romantic love. Polyamory is one more form of affectivity that many people find useful.
As much as we think “I can’t find that person” this is just a description of the present situation, not a statement about how things should be and how our future is going to be.
It is important to break the loop of ideas related to sadness and hopelessness, which limit our margin of movement, and force us to carry out those activities that we know will make it easier for us to meet more people.