For many, love is a mystery. Some consider it a feeling that moves the world, while for others it is a never-ending principle. From childhood, tales of princesses teach us that love is the greatest desire of every woman, because only in this way will they live happily ever after.

The truth is that behind the variety of meanings we give to love, there are misconceptions about it; this leads people to develop what are popularly known as toxic relationships.

Currently, emotional dependence affects a third of couples in Mexico, according to Dr. Noemí Díaz, head of psychological services at the UNAM School of Psychology; therefore, this condition occurs in both women and men. For this reason, it is common for many people to have a recurring concern : “emotionally, I depend on my partner to a great extent” .

Dependency in Relationships

The word dependent means that it hangs (earring), as a kind of ornament. On the other hand, when we say we have something pending, it implies that there is something that is incomplete or unfinished, which means that a person with emotional dependence is one who hangs on another and is emotionally incomplete .

In emotional partner dependence, also known as co-dependence, the person is so dependent on his or her partner that he or she perceives the relationship as the only route to personal security. In this type of relationship one partner is usually the “strong” one and the other the “weak” one. The latter tends to manipulate the relationship through his need for his partner. While the strong one, his need is to be indispensable, according to Melgosa (2008).

The person who expresses the need for the other person is the bearer of a personality prone to addictions, so that his or her partner represents the “drug”; even the absence of this can cause a crisis of abstinence, so that there is a fear of abandonment.

In order to avoid separation, everything is forgiven and tolerated , even if the person is not comfortable with the relationship because of constant arguments, being a victim of abuse, etc. As if that were not enough, the person no longer considers her own needs because she is looking to satisfy her partner’s; her intention is that her partner needs her, that she depends on her, because that is the closest thing to affection.

There are times when attempts to be needed don’t work, so the next step is usually to be pitied. The person uses phrases like: “I love you so much and you don’t love me”, “after all I’ve done for you, and look how you respond to me”, etc. This is also known as emotional blackmail.

To the extent that the person remains trapped in this type of codependent relationship, he or she will lose his or her identity, since his or her behavior reflects the ideas: “without you I am nothing,” “I cannot live without you,” “neither with you nor without you,” etc. That is why Bucay (2010) refers that in a codependent relationship there is no love, there is need, dependency, and that is not love.

How the problem originates

As mentioned above, emotional dependence involves being emotionally incomplete or unfinished. This is due to an emotional lack or lack of affection in childhood on the part of the most significant people: parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, grandparents, or the person closest to the child.

This often occurs in families where one or both parents worked a lot and were distant even when at home; homes where either the father, mother or guardian believes they are doing their job by filling the child with toys. It also happens at the other extreme, with overprotective parents or guardians, where there is an excess of attention or protection but little expression of affection.

However, the lack of affection can also be caused by the death of one or both significant people, divorce, or having been a victim of domestic violence. The key is that in the child’s life there were rarely, if ever, hugs, kisses, expressions of affection. All this generates insecurity and low self-esteem .

In such a way that as he grows, the person enters into a constant search for social approval, always trying to please others to avoid rejection even at the expense of his own dignity. Perhaps as a child he learned that in order to be loved, one must meet the expectations of others, just as in his time he tried to meet the expectations of those significant people.

Finally, at the moment of unconsciously choosing a partner, he or she follows the same pattern, as if choosing them on purpose, which means that the person with emotional dependence is generally attracted to those with narcissistic personality who play a dominant role in the relationship, while the other person adopts the submissive posture seeking to please in order to receive love . In this way they complement each other producing a toxic or codependent relationship.

I depend on my partner: what to do to solve it?

If you find yourself trapped in a codependent relationship and really want out, here are some rescue strategies:

1. Seek professional help

The first step is to be aware that you have a problem. Maybe your relationships haven’t worked out so far, but on the other hand you can’t stand being single. Remember that only you are responsible for yourself, so start taking care of yourself by seeking psychological help. The psychotherapist will help you to deal with these incomplete emotional needs .

2. End that relationship that hurts you

You have two options: to continue suffering for love or to recompose the path by retaking the bases: work on your self-esteem as your most important project, heal the wounds of the past and find the well-being you deserve.

It probably sounds easy, but is a process where you have to go step by step ; only that way your future relationships will be different. But it all starts with a decision.

3. Learn to be alone

Set aside some time to be alone with yourself, doing activities such as going to a café, restaurant, cinema, etc. Learn to enjoy the occasional solitude. Have a date with the best company, with yourself. The others are just passing through.

Also, recognize your resources to find solutions to everyday problems . Trust your judgment.

4. Write yourself a letter of reconciliation

This is a symbolic activity in which you take stock of what you have been through in your previous relationships and don’t want to go through again, because you have made the decision to leave it behind and start over.

It is important that you include in the letter that you forgive yourself for the bad decisions that have hurt you . Make a commitment to yourself that your well-being will be your priority from now on and that you will protect yourself from anything that might hurt you. Finally, once you finish the letter, read it aloud and save it so that you can access it in times of weakness and remember your commitment to yourself.

Return to healthy activity

Exercise, join the gym; make changes in your diet towards health; take up your favorite hobbies; go for a walk; travel. These are just a few examples that you can use to get your life back on track, focus on what you like, and regain self-confidence.

Loving oneself as a solution

Love in relationships begins with oneself . When you don’t have love for yourself, all you can offer is dependence, because you need the other’s attention to be happy. On the other hand, when each member of the relationship enjoys a healthy self-esteem, there is no room for dependency, because both of you are emotionally complete.

Love as a couple is knowing that you can be happy without each other and vice versa, and yet choose each other. So love is for them something positive, wonderful, without the need to suffer.

Bibliographic references:

  • Bucay, J. (2010). The Way of Self-Dependence. Mexico City: Ocean Express.
  • Fiz, J. (October 10, 2017). Aleteia. Retrieved December 26, 2018, from Aleteia: https://es.aleteia.org/2017/10/10/la-dependencia-emocional-de-pareja-comienza-en-la-ninez/.
  • Guerri, M. (2017). Psychoactive. Retrieved December 26, 2018, from Psicoactiva: https://www.psicoactiva.com/blog/la-codependencia/.
  • Melgosa, J. (2008). How to Have a Healthy Mind. Madrid: Safeliz.
  • Sánchez, C. (February 15, 2018). The New Herald. Retrieved December 26, 2018, from El Nuevo Herald: https://www.elnuevoherald.com/vivir-mejor/en-familia/article200003319.html.