Communication may be one of the fundamental aspects of human relationships, but that doesn’t mean that participating in real-time, face-to-face conversations isn’t complicated. In every dialogue of this type there are many elements involved, and sometimes the feeling of not being in control of what is happening can lead to anxiety.

That’s why many people wonder… why do I get nervous when I talk? How can I make this stop being a problem when relating to others?

Even though (obviously) just reading an article will not solve the problem, in the following lines we will review the usual causes of this problem and what can be done to make this anxiety go away until it almost disappears .

I get nervous talking to someone: why does it happen to me?

Each person is a world, and our lives are always different from those of others, but in spite of that we can find some common factors that usually occur in most cases where this problem appears. They are the following.

Attraction to the person we are talking to

This is one of the most common reasons behind those nerves when talking to someone. The fact of being romantically or sexually interested in someone keeps us in a constant state of alert to try to please them , although paradoxically this can have the opposite effect if it reaches a very extreme point.

2. Imposter Syndrome

This is especially true in professional or academic contexts. It consists of the feeling of worrying that someone will discover that we are not up to what would be required in the social circle in which we are . For example, if a professional begins to work in a company in which he believes that everyone is more skilled than he is, he will be worried about the possibility that his supposed mediocrity will be revealed in a conversation.

Fear of public speaking

This is very common and happens to a greater or lesser extent to virtually everyone who is not used to giving talks to large audiences, such as at a university class oral presentation or a conference.

Since we are aware that there are many people focusing their attention on ourselves, we try to control practically everything we do, and since that is impossible, anxiety appears. Even the anticipation of this produces anxiety before going out to talk .
However, it should be clear that this form of stress has a different nature to that which is generated by dialoguing with someone in a two-way exchange of words.

4. Shyness

It should not be forgotten that this psychological phenomenon linked to personality also has an important effect on what we experience when talking to someone. Shy people are afraid of the possibility of being valued negatively by others, and this simple concern makes them overestimate the probabilities of this happening, which generates discomfort from the first words exchanged.

5. Introversion

It is also common for introverted people to become nervous when talking, as they have difficulty managing attention to focus on what is happening around them, rather than on their thoughts. As a result, they feel at a disadvantage in relation to others, and they often notice that everything in the dialogue goes too fast.

What can be done to eliminate this anxiety?

It is true that depending on what someone feels nervous about talking to others will require a different approach to the situation, but broadly speaking, we can summarize most of the answers to this problem in three pieces of advice.

1. Work on self-esteem

In many cases, what best explains this discomfort in talking to others has to do with low self-esteem. This feeling of not being good enough may vary depending on the situation, for example, someone who usually has good social skills may feel nervous about talking to someone who seems very intelligent if you consider yourself not intelligent at all.

Working on self-esteem is something complex that sometimes requires help from psychologists, but in general it means adopting a realistic and distant perspective that allows us to relativize the importance of what others think about us, on the one hand, and that teaches us to pay more attention to what we are good at, on the other.

2. Improvement

Do things that show you how you are able to progress in a particular skill or field of knowledge. For example, if you think you are the least cultured person in your environment, use those nerves as a motor to improve in that area and have no reason to worry about it in a reasonable way.

Still, keep in mind that even though you’re better off, you’ll probably remain pessimistic about your own abilities, unless you fight it too.

3. Expose yourself to discomfort

Being subjected to reflection about who you are and what you are capable of will not be enough to stop you from feeling nervous about talking to others. You have to go beyond introspection , go into practice and expose yourself to moderately anxious conversations in order to lose your fear of face-to-face dialogue.

Conclusion

As we have seen, when faced with the question “why do I get nervous when I talk”, we must assume that whatever the cause, we must strive to lose that fear, stop in uncomfortable situations and do so as intensively as possible so as not to throw in the towel and see progress quickly.

Bibliographic references:

  • Barlow DH (November 2000). “Unraveling the mysteries of anxiety and its disorders from the perspective of emotion theory”. The American Psychologist. 55 (11): 1247–63.
  • Iruarrizaga et al. “Anxiety reduction through social skills training”