An important aspect of infidelity is the fact that it generally takes place in secret. Therefore, usually implies a betrayal of the commitment agreed between the parties involved, the spouses . This is a fundamental element when it comes to breaking the trust on which the couple’s relationship is established.

When an infidelity occurs, the “wronged one” suffers a deep wound in his self-esteem that will need to be healed. One of the most difficult challenges he will have to face will be forgiving what happened, whether he wants to restore the relationship or not.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a process that has healthy effects on the person who forgives, thus promoting his or her mental health. However, forgiveness is a complex matter that will take time , willingness to forgive, determination and commitment.

In this process we will have to change attitudes, thoughts and behaviour. Through this cognitive re-structuring, we will be able to reconcile with those feelings that were violated, and return to normal.

The process of forgiveness after infidelity

The first step will be to acknowledge the damage suffered . It is important not to try to deceive oneself by minimizing what has happened; on the contrary, it is from the importance of the event that the “aggrieved” will be given the opportunity to forgive.

In the analysis of what happened, it is necessary to understand the circumstances in which the infidelity occurs. In this way, we know that external (attributing responsibility to the person’s external circumstances), unstable (which vary) and specific (concrete and punctual) attributions of infidelity facilitate forgiveness as opposed to internal (attributing responsibility to the person’s character), stable (which do not change) and global (which can be generalized) attributions that make it difficult.

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The second step is to show interest in forgiving what happened , at least as a possibility.

Misconceptions about the forgiveness process

For this we will have to analyze and recognize what it means for us to forgive in order to detect possible thoughts or ideas that may interfere negatively with the process of forgiveness. Some of these misconceptions may be:

1. “Forgiving means forgetting what happened”

Memory is a brain function that intervenes in all learning processes of the human being. When we learn something, it is not erased from our “storehouse”, we cannot make it disappear. The aim is not to forget what happened, the aim is to remember it without it hurting us.

2. “Forgiveness is synonymous with reconciliation”

This is one of the most widespread ideas in consultation: “If he doesn’t want to come back to me it’s because he hasn’t forgiven me, if he had we would be together”. Forgiveness does not necessarily include restoring the relationship with someone , it is necessary, but not sufficient.

3. “To forgive is to minimize or justify what has happened”

How many times have we heard phrases like: “it’s no big deal”, “try to see the positive”, “these things happen”,…? Forgiving does not imply changing the assessment of the fact ; so it is very likely that the fact is always assessed in a negative and unjustifiable way. However, what will change is that, despite the fact that the valuation of the fact is negative, the attitude towards the “offender” will not imply any desire for revenge or need to “return the damage caused” in search of justice.

4. “Forgiveness is a sign of not valuing oneself or of weakness”

When we are hurt, we learn that it is necessary to protect ourselves from the person who has hurt us . Anger is a defence mechanism that protects us from the other (hate allows me to “control” part of what happened, makes you feel important and restores some of the confidence you have lost in yourself).

Changing our thoughts so that we can forgive

The third step that leads us to forgive, and this happens by changing our behavior (what we do) and accepting suffering and anger . In the case of infidelity, it consists of stopping open and explicit destructive behavior (seeking revenge or justice, attacking the “aggressor”,…) or covert and implicit behavior (wishing the aggressor ill, ruminating about the betrayal and the damage done…).

The fourth stage involves establishing strategies aimed at self-protection . Forgiving does not mean “blind faith in the other”, it precisely implies recognising that there is no certainty that it will not happen again and that risk is part of what it means to live and share life with another, even if one tries to reduce the probability of it happening again. It is important not to fall into excessive control that leads to jealous behavior.

Overcoming a difficult situation

To forgive an infidelity, therefore, is possible . However, this will not mean resuming the relationship again; it is a necessary but not sufficient requirement.

On the other hand, it is important to give yourself time, forgiveness is only possible once you have gone through the grieving process which will lead to a loss of confidence both in the couple and in yourself, given the devastating effects it has on self-esteem.

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