Empathy is a basic skill that allows us to relate successfully with other members of our species and society, allowing a healthy coexistence in which the rights, freedoms and needs of each of its components are respected.

Thanks to it we can relate on a deep level and value and feel valued by others. But the truth is that not everyone is equally empathetic, and there are even people who completely lack this capacity. Not having it can lead to unintelligible paths for most and a great disability, and in some people even to trigger aggression or violence. How could we recognize someone who lacks it? In this article we are going to talk about different signs that give away someone with a lack of empathy .

What is empathy?

We call empathy the ability to put ourselves in the other’s shoes, understanding the feelings and thoughts others may be having and how situations or even our own actions affect them. It is about seeing things not objectively and coldly, but as the other experiences them: the implications for the person, their subjectivity, their context and circumstances, as well as their idiosyncrasies and personality, must be taken into account.

Empathy is a basic element of deep interpersonal relationships , as well as of interpersonal and emotional intelligences by allowing us both adequate and adaptive contact with others and the management of our own emotions and the recognition of those of the rest of the people around us. Their lack may have repercussions on the life of the person who lacks it and also on his or her environment, generating instability, loneliness and even problems in adapting to society or in following social norms.

There can be many causes that can generate a lack of empathy: from the deprivation of affection throughout childhood to the experience of physical, psychic and/or sexual abuse, including various neurological, neurodevelopmental or psychological problems. It is important to take into account that each person has his or her own capacities and empathy can be more or less developed in each of us, but the total absence of this capacity is difficult and usually occurs in different disorders.

An example of this is the set of autism spectrum disorders. Another is narcissistic personality or borderline personality. Finally, and being the latter also where the lack of empathy can go hand in hand with the exercise of violence, disobedience of rules and laws and even crimes, is the case of people with antisocial disorder or the case of psychopathy and sociopathy.

Signs of a lack of empathy

Here are some signs that reflect the presence of a difficulty or lack of empathy, regardless of the reason for its appearance. It must be taken into account that the lack of empathy may occur at a cognitive level (that is, not knowing how the other person may feel), at an emotional level (although it is known how the other person may feel it has no emotional impact) or in both senses. Likewise, in addition to all this, it should be taken into account that the lack of empathy may be associated with different characteristics depending on other facets of personality and cognition , and not all the items that follow are applicable to all subjects with a lack of empathy.

1. Immersion in oneself

One characteristic that people with a lack of empathy often have in common, especially those with autistic characteristics, is the feeling that they are focused on their inner world and not fully aware of the people around them.

2. Understanding problems

Not being able to put yourself in the place of others makes it difficult for many people with empathy problems to understand the actions and words of others, as well as the reaction to one’s own actions. This can generate suffering in the subject himself or be something indifferent, depending on whether there is a desire for a relationship (as for example in people with Asperger’s) or this is indifferent.

3. Theory of the Distorted Mind

The theory of mind is the ability we have to realize that other people have their own minds, motivations and desires, and that these may be different from our own. The existence of a lack of empathy may lead to or be related to some problem in this capacity, with some inability to separate one’s point of view from that of others.

4. Egocentrism

Something common to all people with a lack of empathy is egocentrism: they see everything from their point of view, this being the only valid one and not considering the validity of others . There can also be selfishness: the only or most important thing is what one wants, the defence of one’s rights and the achievement of one’s objectives.

5. Narcissism

Although it is not essential, it is frequent that those who lack empathy develop a certain degree of narcissism, considering themselves superior or more valuable than the rest and making their needs something above the rights of other people . This aspect is strongly linked to the previous point.

6. Tactlessness and contextual inadequacy

In contact with others, someone who does not have empathy will be characterized by communication that does not take into account or for which it is indifferent how others may react. Thus, they can leave aside pragmatic aspects of language and send messages of great harshness without touching their senders. This sign may not be evident in case of manipulation attempts, if the person has a high intelligence and is able to know at a cognitive level how things affect others.

7. Impatience

Another common characteristic of non-empathic people is impatience with others: they cannot understand or do not value the needs of others and find it irritating to have to repeat themselves or invest time in doing things with others , integrating them.

8. Stereotypes and prejudices continue

The fact that they do not have the capacity for empathy makes it common for these people to use stereotypes and prejudices to guide themselves, acting at a cognitive level and using labels to guide their behaviour and thinking. They are also unable to see how these affect the behaviour of others.

9. Superficial, destructive or avoided relationships

Something common to most people with a lack of empathy is the fact that, not being able to identify and value the other’s emotions and thoughts as something valuable or interesting and not being able to put themselves in their place, they generally maintain shallow and superficial relationships. It is possible that these types of relationships are simply cordial or that there is a seductive behaviour to satisfy their needs, or that they are directly avoided because they are incomprehensible.

10. Utilitarian behaviour

A person with a great lack of empathy will tend to use other people as a resource to achieve his or her ends. The fact of not being able to put oneself in the other’s place makes one devalue and objectify the other, using them either directly or indirectly to achieve personal goals regardless of their feelings.

11. Aggression and violence

Although not all people who do not have empathy develop violent attitudes (for example, people with autism have problems with empathy and are not usually violent), the truth is that not having empathy makes it easier to resort to aggressive or even violent problem-solving styles because there is no awareness of what this implies for the other person or the suffering it may cause.

12. Lack of remorse

Doing something that hurts others usually causes most people some remorse. However, for those who lack empathy, remorse is non-existent or much less than usual, although they can apologize if they have the knowledge that others have suffered or if it suits their purposes.