Until a few years ago, relationships have been dominated by a very specific conception of what love is: romantic love.

This idea of affectivity transforms love into something that is shared exclusively by two people , who have an intimate relationship with each other that they do not use with others, and it is also related to the modern conception of platonic love in which the couple is idealised. However, another way of understanding love relationships is taking root in Western countries: polyamory.

What is polyamory?

The term polyamory was coined by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart in 1990 and has since become popular, both as an idea and as a philosophy of life, in many Western countries.

In general terms, polyamory is the tendency, preference or habit of relating lovingly to more than one person at a time and in a context in which all the people involved are aware of this situation . Polyamory, therefore, does not have the couple as the fundamental unit in which people exchange affective and intimate behaviors, and this does not mean that infidelities are being committed.

On the other hand, there are many ways to experience polyamory, and the fact that more than two people can participate in a polyamorous relationship only expands the number of possibilities. In fact, since polyamory is a way of managing affectivity and not necessarily sex, it can happen that all the people who participate in a polyamorous group have different sexual orientations or simply do not have sex; and it can also happen that some do have intimate relationships of this type and others do not.

In addition, polyamory is a relationship mode that is maintained over time and is not limited to a short period, of minutes or hours, as could happen in sporadic partner exchanges or swinging . Polyamorous relationships are so because, in themselves, they tell us about the nature of the affective relationship that several people have with each other.

Related article: “Types of Love: What Kinds of Love Are There?”

Polyamory is not polygamy

At the same time, polyamory does not have to be based on formalised relationships as it is in marriages. It differs from polygamy in that the latter, in addition to being limited to cases where marriage has taken place, consists of the union between one man and many women or one woman and many men.

Types of polyamide

The existence of diffuse limits on the boundaries of what can and cannot be done in a polyamorous relationship has meant that this type of affectivity is sometimes known simply as non-monogamy . This allows us to cover a very wide range of types of relationships, which does not restrict the different ways of living polyamory.

Although the way to classify these types of polyamor may vary depending on what kind of criteria are used to distinguish between categories, the main forms of polyamorous relationships can be highlighted . They are the following.

1. Hierarchical polyamory

In this type of polyamor there is a nuclear group in which the relationship is more intense and a periphery in which the established relationships are secondary . Normally each person has a primary relationship and others of lesser importance, which means that the people involved in a primary relationship can impose vetoes on the other, preventing them from becoming romantically involved with certain people.

Among the different types of polyamory, this is the one that most resembles traditional couple relationships in Western countries.

2.Polyfidelity

In polyfidelity intimate relationships are restricted to a certain group of people and with very limited limits. Outside this circle of members, sexual contact is not allowed.

3.Relational Anarchy, or Free Love

Relational anarchy is the type of polyamory least like monogamous relationships. In it, the people involved in the relationship have no restrictions set a priori , and are free to choose how to relate to each person. Therefore, in relational anarchy there is no pressure to make the relationships established with others fit a series of stereotypical norms, nor is there a need to place labels that define them.

In short, relational anarchy is distinguished from other forms of polyamory by being much more unstructured. Although it is always based on consensus and requires a degree of commitment, this is built from scratch at the moment of initiating the relationship and is not based on expectations based on gender roles or traditions.

What kind of people practice polyamory?

Identifying the number of people who practice polyamory is tremendously complicated, firstly because in many countries its presence is so low that it is difficult to study them, and secondly because as it is so difficult to define what is and what is not a polyamorous relationship it is difficult not to fall into biases when it comes to quantifying them. However, it is estimated that the number of Americans who practice some form of polyamory is around 4 or 5% of the population , while in Spain the percentage would be between 5 and 8%.

With regard to the profile of people who are more inclined to polyamorous relationships, a study conducted by Loving More (a free love support organization) involving more than 4,000 polyamorous practitioners showed that 49.5% of the participants were female, 35.4% were male, and 15.1% were identified as non-binary gender or genderqueer .

In addition, almost half of the women and about 18% of the men reported having had sexual relations with persons of the same sex during the last 12 months , thus showing a significantly greater trend towards active bisexuality than the general population. These results fit well with other studies that have shown how large the number of polyamorous people is among homosexuals and bisexuals.

On the other hand, the educational level of polyamorous people was significantly higher than the average of the general population, and they showed a tendency to live with fewer children and adolescents in their homes.

Problems associated with this type of love

If it is difficult to quantify the number of polyamor practitioners, knowing how most of these people feel is no less so. This requires very expensive qualitative studies based on interviews, and data are very scarce.

However, from the data available there is no reason to think that the problems experienced by traditional couples and marriages will disappear in polyamorous relationships . Although the different types of polyamory are very well defined on paper, it is often difficult to see in reality the nature of the relationships that are supposed to be maintained.

For example, despite showing a preference for polyamory, jealousy or fear of being left out of the relationship may appear, and the fact of sharing a network of affective relationships with more than one person makes it very necessary to manage especially well the times and activities that are shared. Many common problems in the daily life of traditional couples are also present in people who practice polyamory.

On the other hand, there is no evidence that families formed around polyamorous relationships have greater difficulty in raising and educating children well. Elisabeth Sheff, in particular, conducted a longitudinal study over 15 years that concluded that parenting in polyamorous families is normal, which is not surprising considering the typical profile and educational level of people involved in polyamory.

Much remains to be discussed

Polyamory can be many things, from a series of superficial changes applied to long-standing relationships to a deep questioning of social conventions, marriage and the way the world states relate to it.

From gender studies related to the concept of patriarchy, for example, the existence of polyamory is very relevant, because considering it as an alternative to traditional romantic love makes it easier to argue that marriage and relationships are “kept afloat” socially for political reasons, rather than being a reflection of the way in which human biology predisposes us to relate.

The controversy is served

This generates many discussions in sociology, anthropology and, of course, psychology, and as the study of this phenomenon deepens, conflicting positions and different theories about what polyamory is will become apparent.

Researchers and academics who emphasize the role of genes, such as many neuroscientists and evolutionary psychologists, will probably tend to stress the difficulties involved in free love and point out that the most non-normative types of polyamory are relatively rare.

On the contrary, supporters of the role of the environment and learning will continue to defend the idea that polyamory is one more evidence of our practically infinite capacity to invent new ways of relating to each other and reinventing affectivity without being limited by our evolutionary past. Which of these two stories will have the greatest capacity to explain what polyamory is is something that, for the moment and in the absence of more data, we cannot consider.

Bibliographic references:

  • Barker, M., and Langdridge, D. (2010). What ever happened to non-monogamies? Critical reflections on recent research and theory. Sexualities, 13, pp. 748-772.
  • Díaz Morfa, J. quoted in Barbancho, J. El poliamor sale of the closet, consulted on 25/07/2016 at 16:45h
  • Graham, N. (2014). Polyamory: A Call for Increased Mental Health Professional Awareness. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 43(6), pp. 1031 – 1034.
  • Sheff, E. (2013). The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families. New York: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers.
  • What Do Polys Want?: An Overview of the 2012 Loving More Survey, accessed on 25/07/2016 at 17:15h
  • Williams, D. J. and Prior, E. E. (2015). Contemporary Polyamory: A Call for Awareness and Sensitivity in Social Work. Social Work, 60(3), pp. 268 – 270.