Infertility, in all its variables, is a problem that is increasingly widespread , mainly due to the increase in the age at which we consider becoming parents, although this may be due to multiple factors and, on many occasions, there is not even an explanation for why the longed-for child does not arrive.

For whatever reason, it clearly causes psychological stress. It is a situation that is beyond people’s control and is not talked about much, so they are often overwhelmed and have few tools to manage it.

The process towards assisted reproduction

The process usually begins when the couple decides to have a child and begins to discover that it takes longer than expected. This generates a variable level of anxiety, which depends on the person, the time it is taking, whether or not the causes of this delay are detected, whether or not they know whether they can have children, whether there have been previous abortions, etc. In other words, it depends on multiple factors, both personal and contextual.

On the other hand, the couple is usually in the position to start or not a process of assisted reproduction . The decision itself is usually complex and if it is decided that it is, or even if it is made in this way by medical prescription, it is also necessary to be prepared psychologically and psychological accompaniment is recommended as it is not a simple process on an emotional level. One must work, among other aspects, on the expectations one has of the treatment (trying to achieve a balance between realism and positivity), tolerance to frustration, uncertainty, fear, anxiety, management of the wait, etc.

Managing Stress and Anxiety

Of course, if the result is not the desired one, a more intensive support and work with the person is required, either in the way of persistence and management of stress and pain that this produces, or, to accompany the couple that decides to abandon the treatment in the feeling of guilt, failure, sadness etc that this decision can generate, but, that it is a logical and very personal decision.

The decisions, as always in therapy, are made by the patients, although it is true that the psychologist has to ensure that these decisions are not made under the influence of emotional states that prevent him/her from being rational, for example, if the couple/person decides not to continue with the treatment when he/she has just learned that the result has been negative, he/she may do so guided by the frustration of the moment, which is not ideal.

It is of vital importance that the person/partner does not lose functionality, that is to say, it is necessary to work so that they continue doing the same or very similar activities, being able to enjoy them and not generating an obsession that can even become pathological and harm the couple. It is very common that these processes can damage the dynamics of the couple, that they only talk about this topic, that irascibility has increased, that they don’t feel like doing other things, that sexual relations turn around conception, etc. Therefore, with the help of a psychologist, work is done to prevent this from happening or to try to remedy or palliate it if it is already happening.

How can psychological therapy help us?

Waiting, together with the feeling of lack of control, is one of the most disturbing aspects of a person’s life. When a child is not coming, whether or not the couple is placed in the hands of assisted reproduction, we have to assume that we do not have the solution in our hands, that there are many elements that are beyond our control, indeed, as we have mentioned, sometimes we do not even know why it is not coming, so this feeling creates a lot of insecurity to which is added the anxiety of waiting.

Another aspect that usually generates a lot of pain is when the person/partner discovers that they cannot be biological parents and wanted to be. Obviously, this generates suffering, anxiety and even depression. At this point, the therapy has to focus on pain management, expression of feelings, providing tools to channel anger , guilt, sadness, etc, expansion of objectives, evaluating options… according to the situation and the demands of the person/partner and the point they are at.

In short, we have spoken with generalizations of processes that are very personal and different from each other, however, they tend to share that they are experienced as stressful, that they are very emotionally charged and that it is very important that a psychologist accompanies the couple or the person involved to help them manage everything that is happening. In addition, although social support is very important, the people around us do not usually know how to help us, so at Mariva Psychologists we recommend, without a doubt, putting yourself in the hands of a psychologist who can help you.