Self-esteem is a very important ingredient for psychological well-being . Whatever we do, if we don’t value it, it won’t have any meaning or contribute to feeling good about who we are.

However, self-esteem is something that is usually seen in a very distorted way, since most people think of it as the result of reaching certain vital objectives that we supposedly all share: being popular, having a certain purchasing power, having the ability to be attractive, etc. This is an illusion, as we shall see.

Why self-esteem is important

Self-esteem, associated with self-esteem, is something that carries all the positive emotional charge linked to our self-concept . Let’s say that on the one hand we have information about who we are and what we have done in our lives, and on the other hand we have the emotions associated with this kind of autobiography and this concept of the “I”.

Self-esteem can be so important that it will lead us to radically change our short, medium and long-term goals if we feel that what we have been doing for a long time, even if we do it well, does not speak well about who we are. That is why it is necessary to stop and listen to it and to regulate well the emotions that mediate it when it comes to providing us with “glasses” with which we judge ourselves.

How to increase self-esteem: 5 tips

First and foremost, one must keep in mind that self-esteem is not something that is cultivated simply through introspection and reflection. This psychological aspect is part of the emotional dimension of the human being, which goes beyond our capacity to use logic, to reason. Although the power of reason can help, it is not in itself sufficient to work on self-esteem . This can already be seen in the first tip of the series that we will review below.

1. Rate your reference group

Self-esteem always depends on what our reference group is. If we take for granted that normality is, for example, to fit into an elite group of Harvard students, then not reaching the academic goals that others do will take a toll on our self-esteem, since in that social circle this is something that is highly valued, especially because of its competitive nature.

However, having exactly the same abilities and personality, we could have a very good self-esteem in another, richer and more heterogeneous social environment. The key is that our way of socializing, and the spaces we choose to socialize , create the frame of reference from which we start to value our own competences. Regardless of whether we do the latter in a rational way or not, the former is something that escapes reason.

So, first of all, assess whether your frame of reference is adequate or whether it creates unrealistic expectations. It’s not about raising or lowering the level; it’s also about stopping to think whether those personal traits that people in those social environments fixate on in order to attribute value are something that really has meaning for us . For example, in the case of Harvard students, the grades obtained may matter a lot, but this criterion may not be worth anything in another social circle in which the main thing is creativity and even social skills and sense of humour.

Ultimately, self-esteem is strongly influenced by the reference group and how we would be assessed according to their criteria, but we can also assess whether or not that reference group satisfies us.

2. Stay away from people who are eternally negative

There are people whose strategy to socialize consists in making the rest of the people feel bad about themselves . It may sound like something that doesn’t make sense, but it really does, if certain conditions are met. If a relational dynamic is created in which the person is constantly being criticized by others, it creates the idea that the one who criticizes has a lot of value in being able to “see” those imperfections in others, and that therefore staying by their side is a way of gaining value in the eyes of others.

These kinds of social bonds, of course, act as a mortgage for self-respect; you are constantly receiving free and unnecessary criticism simply out of habit, and in return you get a supposed advantage if it only works as long as you stay close to the other person.

Ending this type of relationship, either by physically moving away from the person or by facilitating their change, is necessary so that self-esteem does not continue to wear down.

3. Assesses their strengths and weaknesses

Having a literal record of those characteristics of ours that we interpret as imperfections and those that we believe to be positive helps us to have a reference about what our initial state is .

This will make it easier to detect those moments when our present emotional state is further distorting our self-concept, which is already somewhat mobile and arbitrary.

For example, if we believe that our ability to listen and have deep conversations is good, but something happens that makes us feel bad and we also see this as an imperfection , we have reason to think that this is not a correct conclusion. And if something happens that leads us to think about a characteristic that is recorded as an imperfection in that register, it will be easier to think about the limitations of this one, that it does not constitute the totality of what we are, since many other similar traits share the same hierarchy as it in the list of defects and strengths.

4. Learn

Self-esteem is also cultivated by doing something that shows us that we are making progress. If we believe that our social skills are bad and that this should not be the case, simply working on that side of us will make us think better about ourselves, because it puts the possibility of checking progress within reach.

5. Knows people

The more people you meet, the easier it is to get to know those you connect with , and who see in us qualities that others did not see. As we have seen, one thinks of oneself fundamentally from the adjectives and semantic categories one is used to using with others. If the words and concepts that can be used to refer to our positive qualities are little used in a social circle, it is unlikely that we will notice them.