One of the most important skills for enjoying an optimal sex life is sexual assertiveness . This skill allows us to clearly communicate to our sexual partner what we want and what we don’t want when we have sex.

We explain exactly what it is, what health benefits are obtained through its acquisition and how it breaks the rigidity of gender roles, especially for women.

What is sexual assertiveness?

It is the skill, or rather the skill set, that allows us to share with our partner what our wishes are . Not only this, but it also includes the ability to say “no”, to reject those activities that are not to our liking.

Sexual assertiveness is typically said to be composed of five main skills: knowing how to initiate desired sex, knowing how to refuse unwanted sex, communicating what satisfies us sexually, sharing our sexual history and asking about our partner’s, and insisting on the use of contraception.

1. Initiating relationships and communicating needs in an assertive manner

Sexual assertiveness is fundamental to sexual satisfaction. Many people feel uncomfortable telling their partner what they like in bed . Moreover, many people feel uncomfortable talking during sex. There is no crime in telling the person we are having sex with what is the best way to stimulate us, nor is there any crime in transmitting to him or her that we feel like having sex, always without insisting if he or she does not want to.

It is natural for the person who is most eager to start sexual activity if it is consensual: it is very frustrating to have a lot of sexual appetite and to wait impatiently for the other person to start out of embarrassment. This is why we must work on sexual communication, normalize the talk of sex outside and inside the bed, get used to ask and respond to the needs of the other. The truth is that almost all sexual partners respond positively when one communicates his or her preferences.

By mastering this assertive skill, we will enjoy our relationships more and reach orgasm more often. It is normal to find a higher rate of anorgasmia in women who do not communicate their sexual needs to their partners.

2. Refuse unwanted sex

Many people, either because it tastes bad, or because they don’t know how to say no, end up having sex that they don’t want to have . This happens outside the couple, in situations where one of the people insists too much and the other ends up giving in, but also within the couple. Especially in this context, there are people who mistakenly believe that because they are a couple they should always be willing to have sex.

The truth is, just like with food, we don’t always feel like having sex. Maybe we just want to have a good time with our partner without getting to penetrative sex, or maybe we’re just not in the mood. It’s so important to say no to insistence on doing it seriously and respectfully. We must communicate to the other person that we don’t want to have sex in a sympathetic way but without apologizing.

3. Sexual history and contraceptive emphasis

Shame or fear of offending are obstacles that prevent many couples from communicating their sexual history . Although it is a fundamental pillar of health, it can be difficult to ask the other person if they have had unprotected sex with other people or if they have any sexually transmitted disease. Again, it is important to communicate our doubts through diplomacy, keeping in mind that it is always worthwhile to protect oneself even if the other person may feel a little uncomfortable for a few minutes.

Speaking of protection, one of the most researched issues in relation to sexual assertiveness arises: the use of contraceptives. Adolescents and young adults are the population most likely to have unprotected sex , so it is fundamental to teach future generations how to insist in an assertive way on the use of contraceptives.

Of course, ideally, it is the man himself who takes the initiative to use a condom, but girls should be prepared for the possibility of resistance to wearing one. As with the rejection of unwanted relationships, a clear refusal to engage in unprotected sex without fear of offending the other person must be communicated. Again, health is more important than discomfort.

Partner assertiveness and gender roles

Aside from the health benefits, the acquisition of sexual assertiveness skills breaks down the rigidity of gender roles, the expectations that come with them, and the harmful beliefs that they generate.

Traditionally, it has been the man who has sought sexual relations, who has engaged in courtship, who has the sexual desire and who, therefore, must always initiate relations. Women have been relegated to a passive role, as recipients, unable to feel the same sexual desire, whose orgasm is optional and who must wait patiently to be seduced and have sex.

To end this macho belief system, it is essential to teach girls, from a young age, that they have the same voice in sexual relations as a man. That they should take an active role and responsibility for their sexuality and satisfaction through assertive communication in their interpersonal relationships. That if they do not want to have sex it is not synonymous with frigidity or narrowness, because sex is something reciprocal and it does not make sense to have sex if only one of the two wants to.

Sexual assertiveness allows women to regain a sense of control over their own sexuality, to put an end to situations of sexual coercion and pressure, while also allowing men to free themselves from the male stereotype of always having a sexual appetite. It is perfectly normal for men not to feel like having sex, not to be the one who initiates it, and even to communicate sexual preferences that may be interpreted as unmanly.

Thus, the benefits of sexual assertiveness do not end with the improvement of sexual and psychological health and the avoidance of risk behaviours, but rather facilitate social progress in the direction of gender equality and the break with heteropatriarchy .