Overcoming the lack of love and the break-up with the person we love is not easy . There are many good moments that we leave behind, and the emotional torrent that this situation generates makes us live this moment as the end of the world.

Usually, one of the two members of the relationship is the one who decides to leave, and although it may seem that he or she suffers the least, that is not always the case. There are relationships that end but love lives on . Something that complicates the transition to a new life without the loved one.

  • You are interested in reading: “The 6 uncomfortable truths about partner breakup”

It is not easy to accept the breakup

And of course, when it comes to leaving behind everything we have experienced, there are many memories that hit our minds again and again. Certainly, it is not easy to accept that the situation has reached its end , that the other person will redo his life without us and everything we have lived will be left behind so that we will never return.

Emotional pain can be even more devastating than physical pain, and some individuals become hooked on their partner just like a drug. In fact, love and drugs use the same neural circuits , so psychologists recommend not having contact with the other person (at least for a while) to avoid relapses.

  • You can learn more about the process of falling in love and the neurochemicals involved in this phenomenon in our article: “The chemistry of love: a very powerful drug”

Disaffection is not a linear process

And, yes, relapses are common in lovelessness because it is not a linear process . What do I mean by this? Well, that there are ups and downs. There are several phases of falling out of love that are overcome over time, but it is possible to return to the previous stages when we see the person we love again.

That is why the experts say that in the lack of love, as with drugs, the best thing is “all or nothing”. At least if we want to avoid suffering for longer and avoid relapses that can lead to a greater sense of failure and more conflict with the former partner.

Time becomes a great ally for lovelessness

When we stop seeing our loved one, the neural circuits that are involved in this phenomenon are weakened, and the levels of neurochemicals such as dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, among others, are stabilized. Over time, the body will adapt to the change and it is possible to return to normal.

Having said this, there are people who have serious difficulties in overcoming these situations , as different problems (their low self-esteem, their poor social skills…) make their recovery difficult. In these cases, it is necessary to see a psychologist specialized in this subject, and it is important to avoid the administration of drugs, since it is necessary to acquire realistic beliefs about relationships, improve the skills of relating to others, or learn to love oneself.

The phases of a love break-up

But what are the phases of disaffection that exist? What are its characteristics?

The stages of disaffection are five and the last step is acceptance . Each person lives the stages in their own way and the time it takes to overcome them will depend on many factors. For example, the intensity of the feeling, the time of relationship or previous experiences of falling out of love.

These are the phases of disaffection:

1. Denial and isolation phase

This phase is characterized because the person denies reality and acts as if everything continues the same (the two together) . It is a generally brief stage, which usually occurs as a form of protection, since the impact of the break-up is so great that it is difficult to assimilate. In this stage it is important for the individual to be aware of the emotions he feels and the reason why they are there. He needs to see the situation in the most objective way in order to obtain more clarity.

2. Anger phase

This phase is characterized by the fact that the person feels a very strong rage and anger towards the person who has left him/her .If in the previous phase the person did not want to accept reality, now he feels tremendous frustration for what has happened and blames the other person for the evils of the couple. Then revenge usually appears. Sometimes, when faced with this situation, the anger is directed at oneself or at the people around you (and even at the whole world).

3. Negotiation phase

This phase can be really dangerous if it is not well managed, because in an attempt to accept the situation and get closer to the other person again , you can make the mistake of trying to do anything to get the relationship back. A bad approach can ruin the situation again, and even make it worse.

4. Depression phase

In this stage the person loses hope of recovering the person he or she has really loved . He begins to be objective and to realize that there is no turning back. So he or she feels really sorry for the loss of someone who was so special to him or her.

5. Acceptance phase

After the sadness of the previous phase, the person begins to visualize a new future . He accepts that the relationship is over and that what could not be, will not be. He/she no longer seeks to be with the other person and feels at peace and ready to meet a new partner.

Lack of love can be overcome

As we have seen, our psyche is ready to take on and overcome a break-up. Anyway, there are some cases in which pain and bad feelings are difficult to assimilate and this can lead to some kind of psychological disorder.

If you think you are in a risky situation, do not hesitate to contact a professional.

Bibliographic references:

  • Perestelo Pérez L, González Lorenzo M, Rivero Santana AJ, Pérez Ramos J. (2007) Herramientas de ayuda para la toma de decisiones de los pacientes con depresión. Quality Plan for the MSPS NHS. SESCS; 2010. STD reports: SESCS.
  • Kübler-Ross, E. (2006) Sobre el duelo y el dolor. Editions Luciérnaga. Barcelona.