Recently there has been an increase in the number of testimonies from mothers and fathers who, despite loving their children above all, are now seriously questioning whether they would have made the same decision if they could go back in time.

What could be the reason for this change of perspective? What factors may be supporting such statements?

Being parents: what are the implications today?

Parenthood becomes a set of experiences and strong character changes both at a personal (individual) and family (systemic) level that take place in a certain period of time between the moment the future arrival of the baby is known and approximately two years after the baby’s birth.

During this relatively short stage, numerous events occur that can be a source of emotional stress for the future parent. For this reason we speak of transition or crisis of the family cycle .

Although, in a generic way, the satisfactions that this new role entails can compensate the balance derived from the stressing factors, the latter are of considerable relevance and imply an adequate adaptive management that prevents the experience of the new stage as a parent in a problematic way. Among these factors we can differentiate: the time and effort dedicated to the care of the baby, the change in the marital relationship, the difficulty of reconciling the different roles that each individual plays (professional and/or personal), the change in schedules and daily routines, the increase in family economic expenses or the increase in the complexity of family relationships, which go from being understood as dyadic systems (relationship between the couple) to triadic systems (father-mother-child relationship).

Transition to parenthood: life changes

Among the processes of change and continuity in the transition to parenthood, both individual and marital adaptations can be distinguished. Among the former, there are modifications in daily habits (which refer to a restriction and alteration in sleeping patterns, individual and interpersonal relationship free time, sexual habits and economic availability), the consequences on the subject’s identity, his or her self-concept and self-esteem derived from the emergence of the new role as a father/mother and the management of the adoption of gender roles that tend to be emphasized with the arrival of a child (understanding the mother as the main caregiver and the father as the sole economic provider).

On the other hand, there are also changes, although of moderate intensity, in marital relations in terms of the establishment of new habits and shared activities (mainly leisure and sexual relations) that tend to provide less satisfaction than before; the organization of household tasks and the assumption of family roles (of relative impact); changes at the professional level (more pronounced for the mother than for the father) and the redistribution of the time allocated to family relations and friendships (increase in the former and decrease in the latter).

Role of the family: the socializing agent

In order to achieve the ultimate goal of promoting satisfactory development of the progeny, the family educational scenario is attributed the main functions of

  • Maintenance, stimulation and support among family members, which focus on the promotion of physical/biological, cognitive-attentional and social-emotional abilities respectively.
  • Structuring and control , which is responsible for regulating the three previous functions.

The latter are of relevant importance, since they affect all areas of child development; an adequate structure translated into the establishment of norms, routines and adaptive habits influences both the learning and conceptual-cognitive understanding of the world around him, as well as the ability to remain in a balanced social-emotional state before the perception of control and stability of the environment where he interacts in his daily life.

Therefore, there must be a clear consensus between the parents that allows for a consistent and unitary transmission of all the aspects mentioned and that provides the child with a guide of behaviour and a set of attitudes or values that promote his/her future personal and social well-being.

Importance of the parental agreement in the transmission of values

The particularities of the family nucleus place it in an advantageous position as a transmitting agent of values, referring to the expression and reception of affection, the volume and quality of time shared between parents and children, the constancy of the family system and the time and willingness of the members of the family system to ensure the overall development of each member.

Thus, values are conceptualized as the set of both cognitive and behavioural ideals to which human beings are oriented in the course of the life cycle, which have a more or less stable character and present a mainly subjective character. It could be said that this concept refers to the set of beliefs that guide the subject in the achievement of vital goals or objectives.

Types of values

There are two types of fundamental values depending on the function that is assigned to each one.

  • The instrumental values are understood as competences and serve to achieve other more transcendental or deeper goals (the so-called terminal values). We can talk about values of competence (such as imaginative capacity) and moral values (such as honesty).
  • The latter can be classified between personal values (happiness) or social values (justice).

The usefulness of the values transmitted by the family

Values have a motivating character that encourages the individual to enhance his or her self-esteem, positive self-concept and social competence. The family, as a primary socializing agent, becomes a fundamental source for the internalization and achievement of values in the child, since it possesses some facilitating characteristics for this process, such as proximity, affective communication and cooperation between the different members of the family nucleus.

In the learning of values, the compatibility between them must be taken into account and, in case of conflict between some of them, the one that allows a greater social adjustment must be selected according to the defining beliefs of the family in question.

Other factors to consider

However, it is not always the case that the values that parents wish to transmit to their offspring end up being transmitted directly, but rather multiple factors can interfere to complicate this initial will , such as the influence of intergenerational family relationships (grandparents-parents-children) and interpersonal relationships in the context of peers or school, the dynamic and changing nature of the family system itself, depending on the experiences it is assuming, the socio-economic characteristics of the family nucleus or the educational style used by the parents for their children.

Thus, the originally adaptive values that parents seek to transmit are classified into those that enhance personal development (such as autonomy), interpersonal relationships (such as tolerance) and those that facilitate school or work achievement (such as perseverance). Although all of them are potentially beneficial, sometimes they are not correctly transmitted by the parents and this causes that children perceive them wrongly and that they cannot be internalized.

It seems that one of the factors mentioned above, educational style, plays a fundamental role in this aspect . Thus, parents who put into practice a democratic style are those who manage to transmit values more reliably than previously expected. This educational methodology is optimal for this objective since it encourages the interaction and participation of all the members of the family, being more empathetic, comprehensive and more dialoguing than other more distant educational styles.

The effects of constant disagreement

The agreement between both parents on the above points (the transmission of values and the educational guidelines applied) becomes a determining factor in the child’s final behaviour. The existence of parental disagreement in these matters exacerbates the appearance of marital conflicts , which are centred on disputes over which value or educational style to transmit as a priority, instead of being oriented towards teaching the child an appropriate behaviour pattern. The result of this is significantly detrimental to the family as a whole, since the child does not internalize how he or she should really act, since the criterion is changeable depending on the situation.

On the other hand, a negative relationship dynamic is created between parents based on discussion or competition about the criterion that is finally applied, which is equally unadaptive. All of this can contribute significantly to the development of a feeling of dissatisfaction with the experience of parenthood.

By way of conclusion

The quality of the educational curriculum (what and how it is taught) is a determining factor in child development since, given its implicit and relatively unconscious or indirect nature, the set of values, norms, skills and learning are transmitted automatically and involuntarily in most cases. Therefore, it is convenient to reflect on what type of values and educational guidelines are being transmitted , assessing their appropriateness from a more conscious and rational perspective.

Due to the importance of the role of the family in the integral development of the child, it seems indispensable that the parental nucleus assume the responsibility that comes with the decision of paternity/maternity. As has been shown, many are the changes to be experienced by future parents at both the personal and social levels. Therefore, both the emotional stability of each spouse separately, as well as the stability of the parental nucleus itself and the level of agreement between both parents on the educational guidelines to be transmitted are aspects to be considered extensively and deeply before making the decision to embark on the exercise of parenthood.

Bibliographic references:

  • Aguilar, M. C. (2001): Family Education: Challenge or Need? Madrid: Dykinson.
  • Carrobles, J. A. and Pérez Pareja, J. (1999): Escuela de padres. Madrid: Pirámide.
  • López-Barajas, E. (ed.) (1997): La familia en el tercer milenio. Madrid: UNED.