One of the most important social institutions are the families, since they constitute the fundamental nucleus of socialization and enculturation of individuals , especially in the first years of life.

This means that psychologists, who are responsible for the emotional and psychological well-being of people, pay a lot of attention to the different interpersonal relationships that develop within families. It is not only the personal characteristics of individuals that are important: it is also necessary to pay attention to the relationships they establish, especially if these are carried out in the family. This is why the issue of toxic families is so important.

Families that create mental problems

The family is not only important for educating children and encouraging their learning, but it also generates a series of habits and dynamics that are of great interest because of their influence on the mental disorders that they can generate in some of their members. In fact, psychology carefully observes and studies the ways in which society is organized, and the family, of course, is one of the most important elements.

There are many kinds of families. Large families, families with only two members, structured, unstructured, happy, apathetic, violent families… a lot depends on the personality of its members and, of course, on the circumstances. In addition, each family (in the case of children) has its own educational styles: there are more democratic and more authoritarian, there are more open and liberal and also more closed and impermeable . The family bond that is established between parents and children is key and will greatly influence the personality, beliefs and mental health of the child.

Some dysfunctional family relationships based on overprotection, abandonment, violence or projection have been widely studied by psychologists to establish links between these forms of relationships and the appearance of some psychological and psychiatric illnesses.

The taboo of psychopathology in the family

When we psychologists deal with these conflicts and problems in families, it is common for us to receive all kinds of criticism. We live in a culture where the family is a closed institution. Members of any family are very suspicious of an external person evaluating and trying to change dynamics and habits, because this is experienced by family members as an intrusion into their intimacy and their most deeply rooted values . The family may be dysfunctional and be creating mental problems in its members, but it is still very difficult to carry out therapy without encountering reticence and bad looks.

There are some preconceived ideas that distort the work of the therapist: "Everything has to stay in the family", "The family will always love you well", "No matter what happens, the family must always be united". These are phrases and ideas deeply rooted in our culture and that, although they apparently speak to us of unity and brotherhood, hide a distrustful and suspicious look from anyone who can provide an objective point of view on these dynamics and family relations (even if it is with the noble intention of helping).

This conception of family causes much pain, distress and despair among people who feel that their relatives have not been up to the task, that they have not been there for them unconditionally and offering them support. In extreme cases, such as when they have suffered some form of abuse, the negative consequences for emotional well-being can be serious.

Not all families are nests of love, trust and affection. There are families in which situations of permanent stress are generated and in which one (or several) of its members causes discomfort and suffering to other member(s). Sometimes it can be a harm that is done unintentionally, without bad intention, and in others there can be factors that really lead to hate and violence, physical or verbal. In other cases, the problem is not so obvious and is more related to the educational style used by the parents or the “contagion” of insecurities or problems from one member to another.

Toxic families and their relationship to the mental disorders of their members

It is not the intention of this text to point out the errors of the parents, but it does seem appropriate to try to shed light on some myths and cultural misunderstandings that cause some families to be a real disaster . Living together within a toxic family is absolutely devastating for each of its members, and this has direct consequences with the appearance of certain psychopathologies associated with having to deal with high doses of pressure, stress and even mistreatment.

We will learn about four ways in which toxic families contaminate some of their members, which can cause mental and behavioral disorders.

1. Labels and roles: Pygmalion effect and its harmful influence on children

Every parent, at some point, has put a label on their child. Phrases such as “the child is very moved”, “he is embarrassing” or “he has a bad temper” are a sample of sentences that, although we adults do not realize it, are causing a strong emotional impact on our children . These sentences, said a thousand times in the family environment, end up seriously affecting children.

Although we don’t want to make a big deal out of it, these labels affect the child’s identity, how he or she perceives and values himself or herself. Although the child may not really be embarrassed, hearing that adjective repeatedly from the people in his family, whom he admires, sets a precedent for how he should behave or act, according to the expectations generated. This is what is known as self-fulfilling prophecy or Pygmalion Effect, since the role or label that adults have imposed on the child ends up becoming a reality .

Therefore, putting a label on a child is a way to contaminate his behavior, instilling in him certain essentialist ideas about how he is or how he ceases to be. These labels, to top it all, are easy to propagate and are often repeated to exhaustion by teachers, family friends and neighbours, becoming more and more entrenched in the child’s immediate environment, which exacerbates the problem.

2. Love that kills

Many parents use a recurring maxim that they repeat to their children always: “no one will love you the way we love you”. This phrase, although it may be largely correct, often causes many people who have felt unloved in their family environment to assume that somehow they have no right to feel bad, since everything their family did was “for their own good”. This, in extreme cases, can lead to situations of abuse or mistreatment not being reported .

We need to start redefining brotherly love in a healthier way. The love of a family is obvious, but there are misunderstood loves, loves that kill . Sharing genes with someone is not a reason for someone to believe they have the right to hurt, manipulate or coerce you. Being related to someone has to do with sharing a genetic and biological burden, but the emotional bond goes far beyond that and the former is not a condition for the latter, nor is it the cause. People grow up and learn which relatives have our affection and love, and this is not something that is written in the family book.

Laying the foundations of family relationships in respect is the first step towards a better understanding of our identities and spaces.

3. Overprotective parents

One of the most difficult tasks for parents when educating their children is to maintain a balance between establishing rules and habits of behavior and loving and spoiling the little ones in the house . In this case the extremes are not at all advisable, and while some parents are negligent and neglect their children, others are overprotective and are too much on top of them.

This style of upbringing is not positive at all, since the child does not face social situations or risk controlled by the overprotection exercised on him by his parents, so he does not live the necessary experiences so that he can mature and face his own challenges. Under this learning style, most children become somewhat more insecure and unemployed than others. Children need to explore their environment, of course with the support of an attachment figure such as a parent, but overprotection can damage their learning and self-confidence .

In order for the child to develop and explore the world around him/her independently, we need to offer support and help to the child, but this attachment should not be confused with excessive control.

4. Desires and insecurities projected in the children of the house

Being a parent is not only a great responsibility but also the obligation to care for and educate a human being, in all its complexity. No one is obliged to have children, in our societies it is a personal choice that can depend on many factors, such as economic stability or the ability to find an ideal partner, but in the end it is also a decision that we take very personally.

If we bear this in mind, having children can be planned and we must therefore take responsibility for it. Children should not serve as a way to fix problems in a relationship , nor to feel respected by others, much less a way to transfer our frustrations and unfulfilled desires to another person.

All parents want our child to be the smartest in class and the best in sports, but we must avoid at all costs that they carry the pressure of our desires . If in your youth you were a second division football player who couldn’t go pro because of an injury, don’t force your child to go pro in football. Trying to compare or pressure a child to be whatever you want him to be not only makes him emotionally vulnerable, but can diminish his self-esteem and restrict the free development of his personality. Let him go his own way and decide for himself, give him your support and the necessary advice, but don’t project onto him what you would have wanted him to be.

Bibliographic references:

  • Ackerman, N. (1970). Theory and practice of family therapy. Buenos Aires: Proteus.
  • McNamee, S. and Gergen, K.J. (1996) La terapia como construcción social. Barcelona: Paidós.
  • Minuchin, S. (1982). Families and Family Therapy Buenos Aires: Gedisa.