Romantic love can become a feeling that hijacks our attention, our senses and all the options we choose to act upon. If this is, in addition, an unrequited love, the consequences are even more negative ; to these limitations of one’s freedom we can add a series of psychological phenomena that worsen the quality of life in general; the lowering of self-esteem, the frustration and anxiety that accompanies them, among others.

However, knowing what to do when unrequited love appears and managing the situation with emotional intelligence will help us to come out of the experience unhappy, but reinforced. By following strategies that enhance resilience, it is possible to learn from these experiences to become emotionally stronger .

Let’s see what this process of change consists of, by means of which one gets over an unrequited love .

How to overcome unrequited love?

The first step before starting to work on strategies to get out of the vicious circle of thoughts that produce anxiety and sadness is to be clear that in cases of unrequited love there are no culprits .

This is important, as it is extremely easy for us, even if we do not realise it, to find an excuse to express our anger towards a particular target. The fact of translating that discomfort into an activity that is externalized towards a target can make tensions be discharged for a while, but it certainly harms others , and just for that fact it is worthwhile to be careful not to fall into this trap.

In particular, the person who does not correspond to us with his love is a regular victim of this projection of anger and frustration, since beliefs and thoughts related to the idea that we have the right to be loved by that particular person appear and therefore that person is breaking a kind of pact that was never really sealed. Of course, this idea is absurd, but in the most emotional situations the most absurd premises may seem totally reasonable .

To prevent these cases a good idea is to imagine, at first, possible contexts or scenarios in which we blame (fictitiously) this person, so as to reflect on what is most likely to happen. In this way, if the first signs of free guilt appear, we will know how to identify them at the first time and, thus, it will be easier for them not to be repeated.

1. Breaking up rumination

A good part of the mission of putting in check those negative feelings produced by unrequited love and rejection is to lower the levels of general anxiety.

In practice, this consists of putting an end to rumination, which is the vicious circle that our thoughts follow when there is something that causes us concern, anguish, stress and/or fear. In this way, we will gain the ability to manage our focus of attention without making it constantly return to those ideas or memories that produce discomfort.

To do this, it is advisable to undertake habits that we did not do before and, especially, to disconnect by walking and resting in physical spaces without noise; and the more natural they are, the better.

Actually, the idea is quite simple. Staying away from that person makes our brain less exposed to the stimuli that make us think of them. In this way, the dynamics of activation of the brain’s neurons adapts to what it is like to live without spending much time on having that person in mind. As a result, in turn, as this organ “adjusts” to this new reality, there are more and more episodes in which we do not surprise ourselves by thinking about it spontaneously, until in the end it forms part of our past almost completely.

To find out more about how you can stop the rumination that results from unrequited love or any kind of stressful thinking in general, you can access this article.

2. Get away from that person

Dealing with the feeling of unease generated by unrequited love and at the same time knowing how to act in the presence of the person who does not love us as we wanted to can be too complex to be able to face it at the same time , at least during the first stages of coping.

Therefore, if we want to overcome unrequited love, the ideal is to stay away from this person (if necessary, by explaining it to him/her), so that we can focus only on what happens to us.

It may be that this idea can generate feelings of guilt, but it is important to keep in mind that the person who experiences unrequited love is usually more hurt than the other , so a time to worry about one’s own problems is fully justified.

3. Cognitive restructuring

This part of managing love frustration is typically done in therapy and with the help of a person specialized in the area of psychology and with the appropriate certificates.

The idea is for patient and therapist to work together to discover the cognitive patterns by which beliefs, memory interpretations and abstract ideas are shared that make the experience of unrequited love so painful.

By modifying the ordering and organisation of these cognitive schemes, discomfort is reduced , especially with regard to improving self-esteem and managing expectations. We get used to using, in this way, cognitive schemes in which the other person does not have an important role and does not form part of the structure of our own identity.