Love is something that inspires and motivates all human beings, but it can also cause us much suffering when it is not reciprocated. That is why many films, songs and even novels revolve around this theme (both love and dislove).

Defining love is extremely complicated, as there are different types of love (according to intensity, depending on who we love, etc.). The truth is that this definition becomes an arduous task because love is socially influenced and there are many opinions and ways to approach it.

Leaving aside other forms of love (such as motherly love), in this article we will focus on what is true love and what is not, always from the concept of romantic love.

Love research

Before going into the subject, it is necessary to review a series of scientific discoveries that, at least in the West, have helped us to discover the great mystery of the relationship of our brain with love and infatuation . Some results affirm that love and falling in love are fed by a series of behaviours, which help to keep it alive.

But one of the most important findings of recent times is that love acts a drug in our brain, and modifies the functioning of the brain, in the same regions as the drug, when we know the loved one. Obviously, cultural factors are important, and to a greater or lesser extent are responsible for a series of chemical reactions to occur at the brain level. For love is nourished by expectations and the concept of love that we learn throughout our lives.

Leaving aside the cultural factor, researchers have found that, as with psychoactive substances , when we fall in love there is a neurochemical marriage going on inside our heads.

For example, we release large amounts of serotonin, which makes our mood better and causes us to have obsessive thoughts, constantly remembering our partner. We also release a number of neurochemicals such as adrenaline, which makes us more energetic, or we release dopamine in large doses, which is involved in drug addiction, because it intervenes in reinforcing pleasurable behaviors. This neurochemical cascade, which can make us feel high when we are in love, also causes serious problems when we suffer from a lack of love, because we can end up depressed and obsessed with that person we have loved so much.

  • You can read more about this interesting topic in our article: "The chemistry of love: a very powerful drug"

Curious Studies on Love

In the last decades, studies on love and falling in love have been many, and some of the results or conclusions may surprise you. The data found by scientists in recent years states that:

  • Christmas causes divorces , according to data from the General Council of the Judiciary of Spain.
  • It is the small details that are really important, according to research commissioned by the Economic and Social Research Council (UK).
  • A study led by Ronald Rogge found that love movies are the best therapy for couples.
  • Social networks are the number one cause of divorce. At least that’s the conclusion of a survey by the Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers of America.
  • Research by Crystal Jiang and Jeffrey T. Hancock showed that long-distance relationships can work.
  • A study by the Ohio University Institute of Behavioral Medicine found that love is fattening.

You can find all the information about these investigations in our article: “Love and falling in love: 7 surprising investigations”

What is love, according to Sternberg

One of the most renowned scientists in the field of infatuation and love is Robert Sternberg, who with his “Triangular Theory of Love” describes the different elements that make up this phenomenon, as well as the possible combinations of these elements when forming different types of relationships.

The three key qualities in relationships are: intimacy, passion and commitment.

  • Intimacy : The closeness between the individuals that make up a relationship is what Sternberg calls intimacy. In other words, it is the emotional connection. the affection and trust that exists between them.
  • Passion : This author calls passion the energy and excitement that exists in the couple. It is the impulse and the need to be with the other. It is the physical attraction.
  • Commitment : It’s a decision, wanting to be together despite the bad times. It is having a shared vision of the future.

These qualities combine and give rise to different types of relationships. The most intense and rewarding expression of love is when these three aspects appear together. Sternberg states that there are 7 ways to love, they are the following:

  • Affection : Affection is true friendship. There is intimacy, but not passion or commitment.
  • Infatuation : Is characteristic of superficial relationships. There is passion but there is neither intimacy nor commitment.
  • Empty love : It is an interested relationship. There is commitment but no passion and no intimacy.
  • Romantic love : Passion and intimacy make the couple feel great attraction, but there is no commitment.
  • Sociable love : There is intimacy and commitment, but not passion. It appears when the relationship loses its chemistry.
  • Fatuous love : No intimacy. People are attracted to each other and want to be together, but they don’t have much in common.
  • Consummate love : Consummate love is the most intense and combines the three elements: intimacy, passion and commitment.

Consummate love has been called true love by other authors. In our article “True love should meet these 40 requirements” you can learn more about the characteristics of this form of love.

What is not love: toxic love

One concept that has become popular today is what is known as “toxic love”.Toxic love is characterized by a series of behaviors of emotional dependence or control that make the relationship harmful. Members of a toxic relationship suffer day in and day out.

But… how is love toxic? Toxic love has the following properties.

Emotional dependence

At least one of the partners has low self-esteem and their happiness depends on the presence of the other. He is afraid to meet himself.

Emotional co-dependence

Similar to emotional dependence, but the emotional codependent is addicted to his partner’s dependence and therefore the need to help him and care about his well-being.

Limited social life

The members of the couple put aside their friendships and turn purely and exclusively to the couple.

Obsession with the relationship

The insecurity of some of the members makes them obsess excessively about the relationship.

It is irrational and unrealistic

It is a love that lives on unrealistic expectations, which causes tremendous frustration in the members of the couple.

Need for approval of the other

Because the person feels empty, he looks to his partner for the security, stability and comfort that he lacks in his own life.

Concern for change

One partner cannot tolerate that the other is doing well, largely because of his or her own frustration.

Positive and controlling

This kind of love is not a free love, but one of the partners interprets the other person as their possession and becomes controlling.

Jealous

Jealousy and attempts at control are part of the couple’s everyday life. Which makes them tremendously unhappy.

Is manipulative

It is a manipulative love, in which there is emotional blackmail by either of you.

Miscommunication

Communication is not smooth and therefore the relationship is not cordial. Trust has been lost.

Excessive conflict

The above points cause the relationship to become toxic and conflict to be a daily occurrence.