Sometimes good or even fantastic things happen to us. We get a raise, a new job or our company finally does well, we have a stable and healthy relationship or things in our life are finally “fitting in”, and yet we feel that “something is not right” .

It’s as if when everything seems to be in order, a void grows inside us, fear, anxiety. Why does this happen? Isn’t it crazy?!

Why are some people not able to feel happiness?

To understand this problem that affects so many people, let’s look at a specific example.

Miguel, from success to failure in a short time

Miguel is a person who works in the sales area and is doing quite well . He has worked hard and has made an effort to sell more and take care of his clients in an extraordinary way. One fine day, at the annual gala dinner his boss decides to name him salesman of the year, with a new position and an excellent bonus. He had never been this high in his career.

Miguel felt totally happy and grateful for the recognition, however he reacted negatively soon after. He started to be late for work, began to get headaches and back pain for no apparent reason. He decided to delegate the tasks he did best to his subordinates and to neglect his clients. Her performance was declining and her evaluations were no longer as positive as before. His boss noticed the change and made him see it. Miguel felt that he had been strongly criticized by his boss and felt resentful. He soon went into a negative spiral of underperformance, frustration, and self-criticism. He began to doubt his abilities as a salesman and wondered if he deserved his job. Having achieved what he wanted so badly, he seemed to be sabotaging every step. Why couldn’t he just accept the position and feel satisfied?

When the good news isn’t so good…

In fact, this behavior has a psychological explanation . All of us form a concept of who we are, however for numerous reasons (experiences, upbringing, defenses) we have areas in which we evaluate ourselves negatively. Instead of changing this negative concept of ourselves, we unconsciously adapt to it and create a certain balance around it, like a thermostat that is always regulated to the same temperature. This is our personal ecosystem.

When we receive a lot of love, recognition and admiration that contradicts our psychological and emotional balance we feel anxious, as all this challenges the negative concept of ourselves. The anxiety or fear of “not measuring up” or feeling out of place turns into hostility to manipulate circumstances or alienate others , distancing us from that “temperature rise”, that is, love, admiration or recognition.

A defense mechanism that can sabotage our joy

This is called pseudo-aggression. Pseudo-aggression is a type of anger that is used to provoke rejection and create distance in others to restore psychological balance .

Unusually positive experiences sometimes trigger deep sadness and other painful emotions that in turn trigger anger and hostility. I suspect that the legend that people who win the lottery are often more unhappy than before has to do with this very thing.

Returning to Miguel and his difficulties

A good friend of Miguel’s, very perceptively, warned him that all this whirlwind of frustration, poor performance and resentment against his boss seemed to come from the promotion and the bonus earned a few months earlier.

This reflection made sense to Miguel: since he had won the award he felt that there was something about him that he did not deserve, he was afraid that all the admiration from his boss would fade if his performance dropped and he felt uncomfortable with the new source of attention and praise. However, understanding the source of his negative reaction gradually turned him back on the path to job failure. He began to realize that the boss was not against him, that the clients were the same, and that he had inadvertently neglected his job. He began to grow and adapt to his new concept and “ecosystem” instead of shrinking to be sent out into the world where he was conditioned .

Share with us: Has any good change in your life been a source of imbalance in your “ecosystem”? How have you felt and what have you done to adjust?