It seems that little by little ideas like the “better half” are being left behind, and we are more and more aware of the importance of not losing our individuality , of not losing ourselves in the other person and not being ourselves anymore. Only by valuing, caring for and respecting our essence and that of the other person, will we be able to build healthy relationships.
The films, stories and songs that have accompanied us throughout our lives have contributed to the creation of false myths about love and relationships, such as Prince Charming, love can do anything, opposites attract… It seems that the more suffering there is in a couple, the better the relationship and the more love there is. But let’s not fool ourselves, love has to be easy, and if it’s not, it’s not love.
What are the problems that couples usually have?
There are as many types of relationships as there are couples. There is no standard for couples, each one creates its own codes and dynamics, they are neither better nor worse. And if the relationship works well like that, there’s no reason to change.
However, on many occasions, the couple is not well, and could benefit from couples therapy. Some of the reasons or problems that couples often have are as follows .
1. Communication problems
Communication is a key element in any human relationship. We must be aware of how we communicate with our partner . Whether we use an aggressive, passive or assertive style of communication. If we facilitate communication, or on the contrary hinder it.
2. Managing discussions
One of the most frequent problems that couples have is the mishandling of arguments, in which reproaches abound, aggressiveness escalates, power struggles (“who gives his arm to twist”), misinterpretations…
3. Intimacy and sexuality
Over time, the frequency, sex drive, intimacy (such as touching, affection, etc.), and sex may decrease. Each partner may also experience this differently.
Third parties may appear, with the consequent emotional management derived from infidelity, such as the guilt, repentance and forgiveness or not of the other person .
5. Different life moments
Each member of the couple has a different vital evolution, we are not the same at 20 years old, at 35 than at 40 and, although it may not be a problem, at some point, it may become one .
6. Jealousy, insecurity and distrust
Jealousy, as we well know, can become pathological. Behind jealousy hides** an insecure personality that will turn all that insecurity into the other**, conditioning and destroying the relationship.
Monotony and routine as a symptom of being carried away by life and the rhythm of the relationship can also wear down the emotional bond. It is always positive to reinforce the good things that exist and that maintain the relationship (knowing how to also enjoy routine), as well as to look for new illusions that break this monotony a little.
8. Relationship with families of origin
There are couples who are very close to their families of origin, who find it difficult to set limits for them and are overwhelmed by their demands, generating real problems in the relationship.
9. Individual aspects of something member
Each member of the relationship, as we have already mentioned, is an individual person, with his or her strengths and limitations, problems, personal and work situation… If this is not taken into account and managed properly, it can cause conflicts in the couple.
10. Birth of children
The birth of a child brings with it a radical change in the dynamics of life together. The attention and care is taken by the new member of the family , leaving the care of the couple in the background.
What are the goals of couples therapy?
When two people start to think about going to couples therapy, the main objective is to solve the problems they are having in order to keep alive a cohabitation based on love . As we have already seen, these difficulties may be related to monotony, communication, jealousy… and, if this is achieved, the therapy will have been a success.
However, even if the therapy ends in a rupture or separation, it should not be assessed or judged as a failure , on the contrary, because if thanks to the therapeutic process, they have reached that decision, it is probably because that was the best option and staying in the relationship meant prolonging the discomfort.
Another of the fundamental reasons for going to couples’ therapy, and which almost no couple contemplates, is that of prevention, improvement and learning strategies to better deal with everyday situations within the relationship. Emphasize the importance that both members of the relationship have common objectives to work on.
Whatever the objective, the aim will be to improve the well-being of each of the members of the couple, whether they decide not to continue with the common project or whether they decide to continue, as this will have a positive effect on the cohabitation.
Is this psychological intervention useful?
The answer to this question is a resounding yes. The problem comes from the fact that in most cases, couples come late to therapy . At that point, the relationship is very damaged and the partners feel they can’t take it anymore. In these cases, going to therapy is experienced as a “fire extinguisher”, that is, a last attempt to save the relationship.
The lack of knowledge and the myths surrounding “going to the psychologist” in general and, in particular, carrying out a couple’s therapy, make it difficult and delay the start of the intervention by professionals.
Another problem that can make the process difficult is that there is no agreement and consensus in some of the members and that they are not involved in the same way . For the couple to stay afloat, they both have to row and do it in the same direction.
Are you interested in starting a couples’ therapy?
If you are thinking of starting a couple’s therapy and working on some of the goals we have talked about, you can ask for information and help at Lua Psicología.
It is a center specialized in couple’s therapy that carries out both face-to-face therapy in the center of Madrid and online therapy , adapting to the needs of each couple. In both cases the therapeutic process is the same.
If you want to contact us, click on this link.