The idea that each person is an island has long been gaining momentum in our society. Individuals are born, develop a range of skills and interests, and try to live as well as possible through them. But this philosophy of life, which of course is no more than a simplification of what really happens, bursts into a thousand pieces when love enters the picture .

In a healthy relationship, love makes us question where our own interests end and where the other person’s end. This logic is exciting and captivating, because sharing existence at a very intimate level gives meaning to what happens to us and what we do. But if the case arises where there is a break or a lack of love, it turns against us: there appears the almost enslaving need for the other person to love us again .

How do I make someone love me again? The trick question

Looking at it from a certain perspective, it makes sense that if before we thought we were living immersed in a kind of super-organism made up of two people, when one of them leaves, the remains of the relationship will try to attract again the one who has decided to leave . As in theory a very intense emotional bond can make a couple become more than the sum of two individuals, once this bond is formed there is no turning back.

However, this way of looking at relationships, and relationships in particular, is harmful. Why? Here we will see, along with some recommendations on what you should do.

1. It prevents us from seeing areas where we can improve

Sometimes, emotional breaks between two people occur due to purely subjective aspects, such as the inability to overcome a traumatic event experienced with another person (the loss of a child, the fact of contracting an illness, etc.). But on other occasions the phenomenon has to do with a personal defect, something that can really be improved on in objective terms.

The fact of trying to find a solution by making the other person love us again masks this kind of mistakes and personal defects, since even if it is an ineffective measure to be happy, placing the problem in the other person and not in oneself is a way of not having to face a task as complex as change itself.

Those who live this way always have reason to regret it, but do not have to make an effort to make relevant decisions and carry them out through a plan of learning and personal development.

2. Dehumanizes the other person

It may not seem like it at first, but trying to make someone love us again is to assume that the person we want to get back is a manipulable object .
It is a matter of taking for granted not that we can contribute to their having more information with which to decide whether they want to stay with us or not, but that we can make their emotions vary at their convenience. Is there anything more Machiavellian than that?

3. Set precedents for harassment

Trying to get someone to love you again is not in itself a form of harassment, but it does make it easier for such behavior to occur. If we shift the focus of the problem to the other person, interpreting the situation as if what is wrong is what the other person feels, this paves the way for future controlling attitudes .

That is why it is good to keep in mind that the other person is totally capable of leading his own life, being responsible for himself and making valid decisions.

4. It diminishes one’s dignity

Trying to change another person’s feelings about oneself not only diminishes the dignity of the person one wants to restore, but also serves to degrade oneself. Normally, this type of experience goes hand in hand with damage to self-esteem, and pretending that everything is due to the absence of love or affection from the other person makes it very easy for us to make our value become synonymous with the value that the other person confers on us .

In other words, in these situations we forget that the other person also does not have the capacity to judge our value in a bias-free way, seeing us as we really are, so that making them love us again is equivalent to recovering all the lost value.

This is therefore a paradox: if we try to make someone else feel love for us again, we can assume that he has no judgment and that he has the wrong feelings, but at the same time it will be very difficult to keep our self-esteem intact while the person to whose emotions we attach so much importance acts as if we were not important to him .

The best thing is to start over

This may sound typical, but it is still true: when a personal relationship breaks down and this is not due to a communication breakdown, it is best to respect the other person’s decision to the end and not to mark the calendar for future contact.

So, in these cases we only have to follow two steps that, although simple in theory, require effort: firstly, to make sure that the other person has not fallen into a trap, and secondly, if he or she really does not lack relevant information, to let it go and return to build a life that stimulates us and has meaning . It is complicated, but not impossible, and with the help of psychological assistance, it is better to overcome it.