Feeling a certain amount of loneliness is perfectly normal in everyday life. There are situations that make us feel isolated, like preparing for an exam or thinking about death. These are perfectly normal ways in which totally human feelings are expressed.

However, it is one thing to feel lonely from time to time and another to transform loneliness into a way of life, voluntarily or involuntarily. The latter can drag us into a pathological situation, significantly increasing stress levels and increasing the chances of dying relatively soon.

These data are especially worrying considering that many investigations point to a mass social phenomenon: during the last decades, and especially young people of the millennial generation, the feeling of loneliness has spread in an incredible way .

Loneliness spreads

According to data from the American Social Survey, the number of people who claim to have no close friends has tripled over the last few decades since the 1980s; in fact, the most frequent response to the question of how many solid friendships one has is “zero”, something that was answered by about a quarter of the individuals surveyed.

Similarly, the average number of people with whom the average American claims to be able to talk about important things has risen from three to two.

This kind of data, also found in many other western countries, shows us to what extent loneliness is becoming a kind of psychological epidemic . But… why does this happen? Psychologist Caroline Beaton offers two complementary explanations.

The feeling of isolation is contagious

Beaton draws attention to the fact that loneliness is not something that affects only the person who experiences it on his own skin; it also leaves a mark on others. Individuals who feel this way tend to adopt a defensive attitude and, on average, act in a slightly more hostile or distant way than would be expected.

In fact, many times their isolation is self-constructed; at the slightest sign that the relationship with a person has stagnated a bit or is not as intense as before, they abandon that relationship, giving it up . This can happen even in a matter of minutes, in a conversation; when the dialogue loses its fluidity, the person who feels alone withdraws prematurely, even though seconds before he or she would have been very interested in the exchange of ideas.

The result of this is that the person with whom you relate who feels alone ends up experiencing this feeling too, and learns this relational style.

Once someone has experienced loneliness through the eyes of another, they adopt that perspective and tend to reproduce it in their daily life. This is because, like those who feel lonely, they become distrustful of their judgement when it comes to recognising the positive reactions of others in social situations; as a sincere smile can be followed by a withdrawal, one is no longer sure when the dialogue is going well and when it is not.

The Impact of the Internet

The other major cause of the epidemic of loneliness is, according to Beaton, the normalization of the use of the Internet as an environment that replaces face-to-face social relations .

Feeling connected to others through the network of networks is very addictive, because it is something you can do from home, or at any time and place, and allows you to avoid many of the consequences of social failure . However, the Internet is a substitute for social relations, and that is why its effects, despite being immediate, vanish the moment we move away from the technological devices that allow us to be online.

While the bonds of friendship forged through face-to-face dialogues and physical contact leave a trace that is experienced even when the other person has not been seen for days, the links maintained through the Internet are much more superficial and less significant, so you have to be constantly feeding them in order not to experience the feeling of loneliness again.

Thus, on the one hand the Internet offers a replacement for friendship links with immediate and inexpensive effects, and on the other hand the time dedicated to these connections prevents the creation of face-to-face friendships. In fact, something as simple as having a Smartphone nearby makes a gathering of friends significantly less stimulating.

How to prevent overcrowded loneliness?

To reverse the effects of this generalization of loneliness, it seems essential to educate in the use of new technologies and social skills. This involves setting certain standards with respect to the use of tablets and smartphones, but also to help ensure that self-esteem is not damaged by interactions that are perceived as a failure or a waste of time.